A crack team of Knoxpatch.com investigative reporters have uncovered what appears to be the largest betting pool in Knox County, larger even than March Madness. It seems that county road crews engage in an underground gambling racket based on potholes.
Juan Johnson, a pseudonoymous former road crew worker who acted as our primary informant, actually won $300 for his prediction of how large the hole would get in the parking lot off Papermill Drive. “We were out driving around, you know, and I said ‘Look at the size of that f***er, I bet you $300 it’ll get bigger if we ignore it,'” he told us he said.
“I was on my way to winning the largest pool before I got, you know, fired, for taking too many coffee breaks or some sh*t. Or was it smoking dope? Man, I don’t remember, it’s all kinda cloudy, you know? The ol’ lady yelled at me for like a week. Anyway,” continued Johnson, “we had this bet going for the road with the most potholes. It was like Cross Park Drive against Perimeter Park. I was going to win big time.”
When asked to explain further, he said, “Man, have you ever driven down Perimeter Park Drive? That was on my route and we ignored the f*ck out of that road. I mean, no matter how much they bitched, we wouldn’t fix it. I had money on it, and, you know it still had some pavement on it last time I checked. What do those people over there want anyway? After they sh*tcanned my ass, Lou took top spot on the chart, so he’ll get all the money. He owes me big time, man. That’s like ‘insider trading’ or some sh*t.”
The following is a partial list of items in the betting pool:
- Largest pothole
- Smallest pothole to result in a flat tire
- Largest piece knocked off a car’s suspension
- Largest number of complaints
- Largest number of potholes in the smallest area
- How long it would take to get a pothole on the news
- Deepest pothole
- Largest number of flat tires
- System of potholes requiring the most erratic driving patterns to avoid
- Worst patch job
- Fastest patch job to turn back into a pothole
- Pothole most likely to rip a tire completely off the rim
“I don’t know, man, it was like a whole lot of fun. I miss that place. Laying bricks just isn’t the same,” Juan continued.
County officials were unavailable or unwilling to comment, although a public statement claimed that every reasonable effort is made to correct any highway safety issues.
But according to Johnson, everyone within the road crew system is a participant, all the way to the top. He claims even the county mayor was on the Perimeter Park vs. Cross Park board.
Our reporters will continue to cover this case, and as new facts develop, you will be the first to know.