A Knoxville man, who chooses to be identified only by the initials “BK,” just doesn’t get it. “No matter what anybody says to me, it doesn’t make sense,” he explained. “Especially jokes. Those go right over my head.” A laboratory study conducted by LeRoy & Associates has verified BK’s claim. “No matter what we presented…

4 Stars Street: Market SquareCity: KnoxvillePhone: Join The French Broads as they release their second album, Tubes, Wood, & Metal at the Preservation Pub on February 1st. You may also enter to win a signed copy of the album.

The most beautiful Poinsettias of the Holiday Season will be from Sertoma Center. The professionally grown 6 1/2” Poinsettias will be available from December 2nd – December 20th. Since 1961 Sertoma Center has supported men and women with developmental disabilities in East Tennessee. Proceeds from the annual Holiday Sale go to make certain that the…

A suburban SUV driverreels in fear when faced with an urban environment A recent study conducted by Shady Research Institute (SRI) has concluded that suburban flight is caused by fear. Harry Joule, The researcher responsible for the project, explained that the people who live in suburbia are scared of many things, including vast expanses of…

Late yesterday evening, Martha Bluewhistle arrived home to prepare dinner for her husband, Ed. After the beef had browned in the pan, she realized it was very quiet around the house. She called for her husband but got no answer. She then remembered he was out in the garage working on some new plumbing. Martha…

Politicians often find outside interests and revenue sources after terms in office. Most recently we’ve seen President Clinton debate a televised talk show and Tennessee Senator Fred Thompson on Law & Order. Putting an end to rampant speculation Mayor Victor Ashe has made public his plans to launch a line of designer underwear. Sporting simple…

After much debate, the location of restroom facilities for Market Square has been decided. The location of restrooms in the square was very important, but was somewhat controversial. Local businesses did not want to be inconvenienced by having potential customers visit their facilities to use their restrooms. Also, decision-influencers wanted to keep the ever-critical line-of-site…

Under mounting pressure to show progress against Saddam Hussein and Iraq, President Bush has taken a dramatic step. The United States is attempting a corporate takeover of Iraq, pending final approval of the FCC and United Nations. If the merger is successful, President Bush will temporarily assume the title of Corporate Manager of Iraq. Once…

(Persian, in the process of being shaved.) Puddles Pet Shop in Oak Ridge has been forced shut by PETA for cruelty to animals, stray cats in particular. Accusations include capturing stray cats, shaving them, and selling them for $150 each. Although this is a fairly low price for a Sphynx (slender, muscular, cats often referred…

Each year one line of toys stands out as the holiday hit. Early indicators point to Bjorn and Brehd dolls as the must-have items for Christmas 2003. Based on the lovable authors of Knopatch.com, the Bjorn and Brehd dolls are designed to entertain children for weeks. Each doll capitalizes on strengths and weaknesses of the…

Bjorn and Brehd are set to take the Victorian Holiday Tour of Homes this year on December 7. Join them for a fun-filled evening of looking at really old houses and riding around in a bus. Bjorn noted that he must be careful on the tour because he will be in the market for another…

Knoxpatch.com’s vast spy network discovered last night that Knoxville mayor Victor Ashe and Bruce Saltsman, commissioner of TDOT and Ashe’s sworn enemy, actually spend time together when not battling each other. The two were spotted together at the premier of Friday After Next at Regal’s West Town Mall theater. “They were telling jokes, laughing, and…

Arthur Denton filed a lawsuit against his opponent, Mervin Smegley, in the recent Powell High School Sophomore class elections. Denton claimed that Smegley received illegal campaign contributions from various special interest groups around the school. The suit claimed that groups such as the PHS Rifle Association had sold Blow Pops and Snickers and then used…

In other news, the International Society of Sea-Monkey Culture is planning to develop a museum in or around Market Square. The group was drawn to Knoxville by the availability of reasonable internet access through Digital Crossing and the convenience of New Age pizza. Sea-Monkeys are the adorable little creatures children have been ordering from comic…

Audrey Paulson claims the storyline for the 1979 film ‘The Jerk’ was stolen from his actual life. A lawsuit is expected to be filed within weeks. Legal action would have been taken earlier, but Audrey first saw the film weeks ago through a bedroom window. He was apparently hiding in some bushes for warmth outside…