With cleaner streets and fewer crimes being reported by the local media, Knoxville is ready to launch a new nation-wide marketing campaign aimed at luring residents and businesses alike to the area. A local marketing firm, Shaggy-Peterson, has been contracted to develop the plan. Wayne Shaggy, CEO of Shaggy-Peterson, is heading up the campaign. “What…

Five more volunteers who went to Iraq to serve as “human shields,” including two Americans, left the country when the government told where their assigned locations would be. The five had hoped for locations that were unlikely to be attacked such as food warehouses and water treatment plants. Although they feared death, their convictions were…

A focus group, comprised mostly of activists from Nine Counties One Vision, met last week to discuss issues related to Knoxville, the surrounding area, and what could be done to make it better. The leading theory coming from the group is that Knoxville simply needs more restaurants. Holly Heathrow, the group’s spokeswoman, said that they…

Vern Taylor has lived on his East Knoxville farm for 60 years, raising cattle and growing Silver Queen corn. He is a great friend and good neighbor, according to neighbors and friends, but he just has bad luck. Taylor has been struck 112 times by meteors while working his fields. “It ain’t never the cattle…

An episode of the popular Learning Channel show “Trading Spaces” is scheduled to be filmed in Knoxville sometime in February, sources say. The show features two groups of people, usually neighbors, who swap keys to transform a room in each other’s home. They have two days, a set budget of $1000, and they are not…

Claiming partial ownership of ‘orange’, the University of Tennessee has began lobbying for an adjustment to the color-coded terror-alert system. The current system is outlined as follows: Green — Normal. This is the lowest level of threat. Blue — Guarded. This signifies a continuing general threat of terrorist activity. Yellow — Serious. Yellow indicates an…

The time-traveling hippy stops in Knoxville. A time traveling hippy, known only as Hemp, made a stop in Knoxville over the weekend. Little is known about Hemp. Rumors abound, but a common thread is that sometime in late 1967, in a state of “enlightenment,” Hemp had a revelation and built his time machine from various…

Comet Man breaks away from the circus to join Knoxville. Better known as Comet Man by his friends, Human Cannonballer Matthew Johnson recently ran away from Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey circus as it passed through Knoxville. Mr. Johnson said that he has dreamed of running away from the circus and opening a tattoo…

Fourteen city employees, all working on the third floor of the City-County building in downtown Knoxville, have been stricken with an odd affliction that some are claiming to be stigmata. It appears that several employees recently developed daily migraines. Soon after the headaches began, bleeding around the temple was clearly noticeable. Although this was an…

Among the culinary literate, the idea of a crockpot is old. Its timeless functionality a must for chefs everywhere, crockpots are used to conjure up a medley of fine cuisine with a minimal of effort. From pot roasts to chicken, from chili to cobbler, the crockpot is both versatile and easy to operate. That is…

Gearheads in the Knoxville area are turning their attention away from NASCAR, the Indy 500, and even drag racing, and devoting their talents and ambitions to the motorsport taking the area by storm: lawnmower racing. Racing lawnmowers has been a recognized sport for some time, but until recently, it had not caught on in the…

Clinton resident Earl Anderson has filed a lawsuit against the Keebler Elves alleging racist product naming. The lawsuit, filed last week, claims that the Keebler Elves knowingly packaged and sold a product that disparaged white people. His legal team is trying to get the case upgraded to a class-action lawsuit on behalf of all disparaged…

Knoxville has a much larger network of organized protesters than many people may think. This was evidenced during President Bush’s recent visit to Knoxville to promote volunteerism, when he was interrupted by two organized protesters shouting “free hot lunches!” Since that time, the underground network of protesters has grown considerably, and they line up to…

A battalion of soldiers from James White Fort, led by Mayor Victor Ashe, have launched a brutal attack on Fort Kid. Details are incomplete but it appears that Mayor Ashe has been unable to accept the fact that he will soon be losing control of Knoxville. Ashe’s most devoted long-time supporters have come together to…

North Knoxville has admitted to a nuclear weapons program after independent inspectors from the Friends United for a Cohesive Knoxville discovered suspicious waste materials in a sinkhole located on a farm off Sevierville Pike in South Knox County. Evidence indicates that a salvage company that dumped debris from the Coster Shop into a South Knoxville…