Candidate Red Brown In a surprise announcement yesterday, Knox County native Red Brown has decided to enter the race for mayor of Knoxville. Although his entry comes a bit late and he has a lot of catching up to do with his campaign, he feels that he has a chance. “I’m determined to leg’lize coon…
Knoxpatch Interview: Norris Dryer, City Council Candidate
Knoxpatch.com is pleased to announce that Norris Dryer, candidate for City Council, has agreed to an interview. KP – Although you are nearly a local icon, some of our readers may not yet know who Norris Dryer is. In thirty words or less, who is Norris Dryer the person? Norris Norris Dryer is a biped…
An evening on the campaign trail with Bill Haslam
Oddly, I was recently invited to go door-to-door with Mr. Haslam as he continues his bid to become Mayor. When it comes right down to it, I wasn’t invited as Brehd Patchley my alter ego, the mild-mannered shoe-shine boy received the actual invitation. My short experience along the campaign trail took place on Washington Pike….
Mayor to change name
Rumors circulated on Tuesday that term-limited Mayor Victor Ashe was pursuing having his name legally changed from ‘Victor’ to ‘Mayor.’ Following in the footsteps of such heroes as DotComGuy and GoVeg.com, leaders of the Misguided Moronic Name Change Movement, Mayor Ashe plans to hang on to his title and be “Mayor for life,” according to…
Statue proposed with funds from Lyons View Gardens
Local artist’s vision of Mayor Victor Ashe. The recent demise of the Lyons View Gardens Project leaves almost $500,000 in city funds available for other uses. Although many projects are being considered, one project which is gaining popularity is to spend the funds to erect a statute of outgoing Major Victor Ashe in Worlds Fair…
City services take cue from Smokies Baseball
The City of Knoxville believes it has learned a lesson from the overwhelming success of Smokies Baseball. The small team couldn’t seem to find a niche within the confines of Knoxville but has been consistently breaking records since leaving the confines of the city. Using the Smokies as a template, many of the standard services…
Woman stops at red light
To the surprise of motorists behind her, Mrs. Ola-Mae Fanning stopped at a red light when it turned red, reported witnesses at the scene. Mrs. Fanning brought her 1987 Buick Century Limited Sedan to a complete stop just before the yellow light faded to red at the intersection of Cedar Bluff and Executive Park Drive…
University of Tennessee President explains actions
Dr. Shumaker, embattled University of Tennessee President, has issued an apology for all past actions and declares that he doesn’t actually remember anything that has happened since moving to Tennessee. Lawyers for Dr. Shumaker claim that he has been suffering from a rare disorder by the name of stupidous assism which causes certain individuals to…
Students to recall Shumaker
Joe Binkley was researching University of Tennessee policies as part of his doctoral thesis when he came across a little known school policy. Passed in 1911, the rediscovered policy allows for University presidents to be recalled if the signatures of at least 32 students can be collected and submitted to the school’s Board of Special…
University of Tennessee utilizes invisible fencing to keep Shumaker’s expenses down
President Shumaker has been in the press repeatedly over the past months for various alleged indiscretions…all of which center around exorbitant spending habits. These allegations are casting a poor light on the University as a whole and it was decided by the Board of Trustees that some changes must be made. UT will soon install…
Shangri-la discovered on Cumberland Avenue
A passageway to Shangri-la has been discovered in the bathroom of Taco Bell on Cumberland Avenue. It turns out that what appeared as a doorway to a stall in the bathroom was actually a passageway to pure happiness and nirvana. According to the manager on duty it has been years since anyone actually cleaned the…
Twelve-hour drought wreaks havoc
ALERT! Knoxville is currently undergoing 12 hours of drought the likes of which the area has never seen. “Through this spring, we’ve had a lot of dry spells, but nothing like today,” explains drought specialist Bernard Joules. The city and county are ordering citizens to refrain from watering lawns, washing cars, or flushing liquids until…
Possum pox breaks out in Clinton
Health officials investigating an outbreak of possum pox that apparently spread from a single possum in Clinton, Tennessee said yesterday the number of reported cases has risen to at least 14. The outbreak illustrates a growing problem: picking possums from the road without knowing how long they have been dead, a trend that some medical…
Oak Ridge Graphite Reactor employees reunite spark radiation controversy
Two men responsible for decommissioningthe Oak Ridge Graphite Reactorreunite for the first time in 30 years. Thirty years after working together as part of a team created to decommission the Oak Ridge Graphite Reactor, the only two living team members were reunited. The gathering was in honor of the scientists that originally designed the reactor….
Doctor proves suicide prevents cancer
Dr. Jerry Dean, Oak Ridge TN, has recently published journals indicating important findings regarding the impact of suicide on the body’s likelihood of developing cancer. Dr. Dean’s test subjects were subjected to high doses of cigarette smoke, saccharin, and the UPN Network over a period of six months. After the six month timeframe, they each…