Valdez, before his snakeextraction procedrue. While on a House Mountain nature walk with his family Saturday afternoon, Juan Valdez stopped to rest. Just as he initialized a yawn of great magnitude, a snake dropped from a tree limb and right into the path of Juan’s yawn. As the snake entered his mouth, he simultaneously coughed…

Gordon, the AFLAC duck,before being roasted. Due to a glitch, the AFLAC duck was shipped to the Golden Wok restaurant on Ray Mears Boulevard in Knoxville. The duck, known internally as Gordon, was supposed to be shipped to Starlite Bowling Lanes where he was expected to appear in a new AFLAC commercial. Instead, he was…

In order to make inroads with members of PETA, the Knoxville Zoo has announced a new “Wild Vegetable” exhibit that will open in Summer 2003. Zoos across the United States have often come under fire due to the fact that some activists feel that wild animals are not given proper living conditions. Recent accusations in…

While looking for things to complain about, Goss Peterson local misguided activist, claims to have come across potentially radioactive shredded paper discarded in an open lot near the First Tennessee Bank building in Downtown Knoxville. “I didn’t know what I was looking for, but I was certain I could find something in this portion of…

A recent power blackout in the Northeast has caused Mayor Ashe to miss several meetings. Although Knoxville wasn’t directly impacted by the blackout, nobody was around to inform Mayor Ashe. Sources say that he was sitting in his office listening to headphones when word of the outage was announced. Afraid of leaving the office under…

This is just one of the signs nowrequired to be posted in the workplace. A freak accident at TVA has brought about a new wave of OSHA regulations. According to Brandy Raines, a relatively new office employee (name withheld for legal reasons) simply wasn’t working out. “She wasn’t performing in the way that we thought…

Governer Bredesen has appointed Dr. John Shumaker as the new head of Tenncare, just days after announcing that Shumaker has resigned as President of the University of Tennessee. “A simple review of the mission and vision of Tenncare identified Shumaker as a natural fit.” claimed Bredesen. Tenncare promotional materials point out that the organization’s behavior…

A part of Walmart’s continuing effort to regulate the morality of the American public, the retail giant announced today that it will be opening Southern Baptist Churches in each of it’s 2500 superstore locations. The flagship church location will at the Super Walmart on Walker Springs here in Knoxville. When the church at opens July…

The South’s Finest Chocolate Factory has halted production of their newest confection, an edible bust of Madeline Rogero. After bringing the new treat into public eye with a great deal of hoopla, it turns out that residents simply haven’t enjoyed the as much as expected. One customer was overheard to say that “…although this is…

Early voting in the Knoxville city elections rated the highest turnout ever, according to election officials. Initial reports are that over 37 people voted during the two-week early voting period. “This is great,” explained Knox County administrator of elections Herbert Walker, “we expected only 10-12 people, but apparently many folks are interested in this election,…

Knoxville mayoral candidate and businessman Bill Haslam had a dream last week that he was a hippy, according to sources. “He woke up in a cold sweat after falling out of the tree on Market Square he was trying to protect,” said the anonymous source. Additionally, he was reported to have preserved a house, created…

The Knoxville News-Sentinel, in an effort to beat the Metro Pulse to the presses, has accidentally released the post Mayoral headlines more than 24-hours early. Those gathered at local Pilot and Weigel’s locations for the first edition of the September 29th headlines were greeted with the words, “Dewey Wins!” News-Sentinel reporters admit that the headline…

According to victims, there is still a lot of crime in downtown Knoxville. “Especially after the sun goes down,” adds recent mugging victim Bo Gentry. Downtown activist Holly R. Thanthou disagrees. “There is much less crime downtown than at West Town Mall, the scourge of suburbia,” she exclaimed. Police reports show that the number of…

With pressure from nagging downtown activists, the Knoxville Regional Transportation Planning Organization passed a resolution asking state officials to consider rerouting I-40 through Kentucky. “At first we thought shifting traffic out of the downtown area and onto I-640 would be sufficient. But then we realized that was still too close. We feel shifting all traffic…

In a noble gesture to take one for the team, Kingston Woods resident Junior Barnes has offered to have his property annexed if it will cause the Mayor to “..leave us the f*** alone.” According to Barnes, his property is worth a lot more than those Mayor Ashe is trying to annex. “I’m sick of…