The proposed new downtown Super Wal-Mart has drawn criticism from patrons of Club LeConte, the prestigious downtown hangout of local business leaders. Wal-Mart plans to move into the building recently vacated by Union Planters, who are in no way affiliated with the peanut company, and erect a giant Wal-Mart sign on top of the building….
Server down for last time, claims employee
Remnants of the PewterMatics server room Local telesales company PewterMatics had to call in a crack team of network support specialists on Tuesday when a disgruntled employee went on a destructive rampage. “I’ve never seen anything like it,” said John Hindenberg, PewterMatics’ operations manager. “She just went crazy!” According to police reports, at about 1:32…
Land sharks infest Downtown Knoxville condominiums
Folks have been moving into the Downtown Knoxville condominiums for years, falsely led to believe that it is a safe living environment. Rumors appear every now and then that various drug and hate-crime related activities occur near the condominiums, but Knoxpatch reporters have learned of a citywide cover-up of startling proportions. Land sharks have been…
School Safety Zones to be discontinued
Knoxville’s traffic problems continue to mount, causing an estimated annual 8850 hours of productivity loss to Knoxville businesses due to employees arriving to the office late during the morning hours. Under considerable pressure from small to mid-size businesses, the city of Knoxville has announced a change to the customary school Safety Zone configuration. This new…
Real raptors cause problems too
In recent months, city officials have been making efforts to reduce the pigeon and starling population in the downtown Knoxville area, especially around Market Square. Visitors are assaulted while they gather together, enjoying an otherwise pleasant urban experience on their lunch breaks, when droppings are hurled at them by hungy birds. Recently, the city installed…
Man has knack for making things break
West Hills resident Michael Bean is an ordinary guy. He has a wife, two kids, and two dogs. However, He doesn’t own a car. He doesn’t own a house. He doesn’t own a lawnmower. As a matter of fact, Michael Bean doesn’t own a single thing. Anything Michael buys or owns ends up broken. Just…
Mayor announces Colt 45 official beverage of Knoxville
In an historic announcement, Knoxville Mayor Victor Ashe unveiled a deal between the city and Pabst Brewing Company of San Antonio, TX. The contract grants Pabst Brewing Company the exclusive rights to sell its Colt 45 line of products in vending machines throughout the city. The first phase of the agreement allows Pabst to sell…
School board seeks probe of macaroni contract
The school board voted unanimously to call in the Sheriff and several SWAT teams to investigate what insiders call the most blatant misuse of a food contract in years. The first SWAT team, codenamed Gregory, is to break down the doors of the Acme School Lunch Delectables Corporation at dawn tomorrow. Their primary objective is…
Christmas Elf briefly stranded at McGhee-Tyson
Hamrick the Christmas Elf poses in the TYS terminal. At around 11:05 Saturday night, a Delta flight pulled into Knoxville carrying Hamrick, the Christmas Elf. Hamrick had never been to Knoxville before, and apparently, had no intention of visiting here. Due to a mixup at ticketing in Atlanta, he got on the wrong plane. He…
Mystery solved: Smith-Coughlin House located
The Smith-Coughlin House has beenlocated on Mars After the freak, mysterious disappearance late last year of the Smith-Coughlin House, conspiracy theorists went wild trying to explain what happened to the house. Many theorized that Cherokee Country Club had torn it down late at night, concealing their actions with a secret government cloaking device developed through…
Boy raised by snail darters
“Darter Boy” shown while playingnear Tellico Dam. While searching the region for a potential suicide victim, a fantastic discovery has been made near the Tellico Dam. A boy, estimated age 12, has apparently been raised by snail darters since being abandoned as an infant. Although he is unable to speak clearly and must constantly remain…
Clown smuggling ring shut down in Knoxville
Alfonso, a Kerbela Circus clown missing since 1996. A black-market clown smuggling ring has been shut down in Knoxville after a seven-year search for the culprits behind the activity. For the purpose of protecting the investigation, details have been withheld from the media during the past few years. Now, with 14 arrests, the full details…
Residents vote to close Westland Drive
After debating for several hours at the latest meeting of the Westland Drive Homeowners Association, residents of the section between Morrell and Ebenezer voted unanimously to close the street to thru-traffic. “We just can’t have all these cars whizzing by all day long,” said resident Joel Barber. “I can’t even let my dogs play outside…
Bush sees, hears critics and changes mind
Some daring protesters escaped from the free speech zone, conveniently located outside Linens & Things at the Turkey Creek development in West Knoxville today during President Bush’s visit to downtown Knoxville, according to sources. They were able to catch a bus to the downtown area and make a sneaky appearance by the presidential motorcade as…
Man joins Bally’s Total Fitness center, fails to attract women
Stu Reynolds is displeased. He recently joined Bally’s Total Fitness center with hopes of bettering his life. Or in general terms, to pick up women. “The ads are very misleading.” explains Stu. “The commercials show women on all sorts of exercise equipment. They smile and look towards the television screen. They simply look friendly and…