In an effort to make the Interstate Traffic System that transects our city a safer place to drive, KPD has seen great success with the Aggressive Driver Enforcement Campaign (ADEC). The Campaign itself was the brainchild of an officer, who asked that his name be withheld. “In the past we have targeted aggressive drivers in…

Richard Simmons – noted exercise guru and perennial guest on The Late Show with David Letterman – has decided to call his day in the national spotlight to a close. He has further stated that Rhea County, Tennessee will be his new home in his golden years. When asked why he chose that particular venue,…

Just days after becoming a portion of America Online, StubHub.com has announced the details of a deal making them the sole distributors of tickets into Heaven. StubHub.com traditionally provides access to resell tickets for sold-out events as well as hard-to-find tickets to venues such as TV tapings, movie shoots, and film festivals. With the power…

In a Knoxpatch.com exclusive, a source close to the search for the new University of Tennessee president has revealed that a decision has already been made. “The public search is just a front,” the anonymous source reported. “The board has unanimously voted in private, and the new president will be Kenneth Starr.” When asked, Starr’s…

Joining the Atkins diet craze, the Disc Exchange has announced that it will unveil a new series of low-carb selections. This announcement will make Knoxville’s very own Disc Exchange the first dealer of compact discs and digital video discs to provide dietary guidance in regards to musical selection and video entertainment. Representatives of Disc Exchange…

Chad Hitchcock, a potato and onion specialist from the University of Tennessee at Knoxville, has announced that his dual specialties are causing undue stress and he must cut back to find his true focus. “My professors, family, and friends all warned me that the load would be too much…now they’re all gone, I’ve driven them…

On the heels of President Bush announcing missions to both Mars and the moon, Mayor Haslam has boldly proclaimed his exploratory intentions to two mysterious local communities. “We’d prefer to set our sights on Jupiter – something that will finally generate some positive renown for Knoxville,” stated Haslam. Unfortunately, the current budget challenges have presented…

In order to compete in the increasingly competitive and narrowly focused radio market, WUOT Public Radio is making a drastic change in format. Inside sources have told Knoxpatch reporters that as of May 1, 2004 the format will change to “All Hank, All The Time.” Although the potential audience will be dramatically reduced, the loyalty…

David Keith has shaken up the Knoxville political landscape by endorsing “a Democrat” for President in 2005. The announcement was made at 2 AM at International House of Pancakes on Kingston Pike without a press conference. Calls following up on the announcement have failed to provide a great deal of information on the subject. It…

Routine groundwork at the Knoxville National Cemetery has uncovered one of the largest mass graves ever discovered in East Tennessee.

In response to recent lifts on travel bans by the US State Department, Knoxville’s McGhee Tyson Airport (TYS) will begin offering direct flights to Tripoli and Havana. Airport spokesman Ronald Kadafy said the move is also a way to encourage travelers to utilize Knoxville airports instead of driving the 30 or so hours to Mexico…

Dr. Leslie Cunningham of the Campbell Cunningham Laser Center claims to have discovered a new way to perform LASIK surgeries that will dramatically increase hindsight. Clinical trials show that making corrective incisions on the cornea, and then inverting it, will improve hindsight by up to 80%. According to Dr. Cunningham, the results are very dramatic….

Dan Baker was tired of paying fifty cents a can for Mountain Dew. Additionally, he hated having to get up and weave his way through 200 yards of hallways to reach the machine. So he calculated, based upon the cost of a 12-pack vs. the cost of cans from the machine, that he could save…

Officials close to the State Coordinator of Elections report that they are “sick and tired” of having to deal with the attention Iowa and New Hampshire receive in the world’s media around election time. Additionally, they found it annoying that the candidates’ attention to the South always appears to be an afterthought. To retaliate, Tennessee…

In an attempt to avoid filing for bankruptcy and the stigma that goes with it, Knoxville man Howard Bean sought out other alternatives. “I had really run up a lot of credit card debt,” Bean explained, “plus, the first and second mortgage added up to more than the value of my house and my car…