A simple reminder to all the press, bloggers, and opinionated people like myself. Nobody yet knows what is going to happen. If you haven’t voted, go do so.
Board and lumber sales spike among democrats as election nears
The media has given a great deal of attention to the spike in gun sales during the 2012 election cycle, but according to local retailers, other items have spiked as well. Just as the Republicans have rushed to purchase guns in fear of Obama’s gun-control policies, Democrats have purchased 2 x 4’s and 4 x…
Judge Baumgartner’s counsel responds to allegations of using other lawyer’s closing statements
As pointed out by the Knoxville News Sentinel, Don Bosch, Judge Baumgartner’s attorney, made liberal use of other trial lawyer’s closing statements this past week. When questioned about the lack of original verbiage in the proceedings, Bosch simply stated that, “If the glove doesn’t fit, you must acquit.” How this applies to the case at hand,…
Feral hamsters a growing concern in Lenoir City
In Lenoir City, feral hamsters are a growing problem that residents say must be dealt with. “It started in the 80’s, when the popularity of hamsters spiked,” states Lenoir City animal control representatives. “People would vacation in California and bring hamsters back with them, releasing them into the sewers as they tired of the little…
Disney acquires rights to Live At Five At Four, announces sequels
On the heels of acquiring the Lucasfilm Ltd library, which includes Star Wars and Indiana Jones, Disney announced early this morning that they have also completed negotiations to gain control of Knoxville’s popular Live At Five At Four. “It’s a natural fit to our collection of traditional animated characters,” says Disney. “Although we’ve recently expanded…
Tennessee Valley shedding water at an alarming rate
A new study indicates that the Tennessee Valley is shedding water at an alarming rate. If nothing is done to stop it, all water in the Tennessee Valley will soon enter the Tennessee River, the Ohio River, the Mississippi River, and finally the Gulf of Mexico, causing ocean levels to rise. The study, funded by…
Chattanooga to be renamed ‘Chatlanta’
It’s more than just talk. Chattanooga is to be renamed ‘Chatlanta’, becoming a suburb of Atlanta, GA. It all began with plans for Chattanooga to house Atlanta’s second airport. Now Chatlanta will house all the waste disposal facilities for both areas and have agreed to keep all the homeless in the greater Chatlanta area, making…
Meth tourism gaining popularity in East Tennessee
With the unbridled success of the Meth Trail, which started last year across rural counties of East Tennessee, many county governments are looking to raise some much-needed revenue by promoting Meth Tourism. Meth, short for methamphetamine, is a drug preferred by rural, dysfunctional people with addictive personalities and a penchant for inbreeding. It is made…
Ten more shops closed for selling synthetic herbs
After cracking down on so-called “head shops” for selling synthetic marijuana, the Knoxville Police Department and District Attorney General’s Office began cracking down on shops that sell other synthetic herbs. Each of the shops participated in the illicit sell or trade of synthetic oregano, thyme, parsley, and rosemary. “When food is prepared using these synthetic…
New study proves Stacey Campfield isn’t a bad person, he just has a low IQ
A new study shows that low IQ is linked to conservative beliefs and prejudice. Those with the lowest IQs tend to make poor public decisions that are harmful to those around them. This activity is being called the ‘Campfield Quotient’ and has a sliding scale that can be used to predict the likelihood of potentially harmful outbursts ranging…
Gloria Ray to step down from KTSC, take on Knoxville’s Olympic bid
Amidst the controversy surrounding her uniquely high salary and bonus structure provided by Knoxville Tourism and Sports Corporation, Gloria Ray is expected to announce her resignation in the coming days.  Knoxville’s exploratory 2020/2024 Olympic Committee is rumored to have offered her a competitive salary to join their efforts.  Her new role will help jump-start Knoxville’s stalled efforts…
Victor Ashe: The Musical set to debut
Sometime in early summer 2012, the Old Gringo Productions release of Victor Ashe: The Musical is set to debut at the Tennessee Theater. In development for nearly 5 years, the production tells the tale of Victor Ashe’s rise to fame and fortune as the Ambassador to Poland, set to the music of Queen. It chronicles…
Romney has surprise up sleeve
Anonymous sources have confirmed that, if chosen as the Republican nominee for President, Mitt Romney will name Hillary Clinton as his VP running mate. “The implications of this move are astounding,” explained Republican strategist Burt Elefante. In order to secure Ms. Clinton on the ticket, Romney had to promise there was at least an 80%…
Stacey Campfield still welcome in some Knoxville restaurants
Based on the news yesterday that Stacey Campfield was denied service at a restaurant most Knoxvillians thought closed for good in 1986, astute Knoxpatch.com staff began calling other local eateries to check their policies on refusing service to customers of various levels of notoriety. Bill Lockmith, manager of Ruth’s Chris Steak House, told us they…
Burger Giant Burger King tests new home delivery in Tennessee
Burger King is rolling out a new program for home delivery. “We have new technology that will keep your burger and fries warm while being delivered,” states the King. Folks are asking why Tennessee? “Tennessee has our largest target demographic, closest to our locations,” says the King, “With only a 10 mile delivery area, we…