The Environment and Conservation Department, teaming with sweatshops in China, have found a suitable use for the mercury-laden fish swimming in Tennessee rivers. Through a unique partnership, Chinese manufacturers are to begin sending cheaply made thermometers adapted for the insertion of a small fish in place of the standard compound typically used. The new thermometers…
Mayor Ragsdale endorses Hillary Clinton
After hearing that Mrs. Clinton claims to be ahead in the national popular vote, Mayor Ragsdale today announced his endorsement of her as President. Encouraging others to step up and help, he quickly made a $1000 campaign contribution using his P-card.
Lamar gives up on digital billboards, invests in alternative options
Frustrated with delays and resistance towards new digital billboards, Lamar Advertising Company has issued a press release outlining plans to wrap advertising around the more than 450,000 orange construction barrels throughout Tennessee. Negotiations are also underway to wrap telephone poles as feminine hygiene products.
Relief supplies sent to China returned due to lead content
In recent days, tons of relief supplies have been sent to China after a 7.9 magnitude earthquake killed tens of thousands. Two aircraft were returned to the United States this weekend with supplies still on-board due to the fact that the supplies did not fit Chinese quality-control standards. The water and high-calorie meals appear to…
Word on the Street
“Why can’t the damn county employees keep track of their credit card purchases? I mean, how the hell hard is it?” -Mike “Staunch” Staunton, construction worker “I don’t like this Obama guy. And not for the reasons you think. I don’t like McCain either. I think they both suck. I want to vote for ‘Other’…
Butter once again voted Knoxville’s favorite food
In other news, butter was just named Knoxville’s favorite food for the 33rd year in a row. Butter originally had competition from lard, but health conscious Knoxvillians promoted butter as a better alternative, and lard has since dropped to Number 14 on the list of favorites. The Top 5 also includes macaroni, pizza, salt, and…
Hillcrest-West adjusts rates for care
Officials have reported that care at Hillcrest-West will now, officially, cost you an arm or a leg.
Sterns fights back against Dolly
Last week, Howard Stern’s satellite radio show manipulated recordings from one of Dolly Parton’s audio books into racist and sexually graphic sound bites. Following this program, Parton released a statement that included “…I would never have such vulgar things come out of my mouth. They have done editing or some sort of trickery to make…
Fuel prices got you down?
Record high fuel prices have many Knoxvillians on the run–either because they robbed a gas station or because they thought running would be a better alternative commute. For many others, it is a painful time, one where choosing between fuel and unlimited text messaging has become a way of life. Our Knoxpatch staff feels your…
Ragsdale proposes to balance budget by drilling for oil at Ijams Nature Center
Calling the current budget draft too ‘optimistic,’ and trying to avoid raising property taxes, Mayor Mike Ragsdale has recommended that the 160-acre Ijams Nature Center be opened for oil and gas drilling. According to a statement on Mayor Ragsdale’s MySpace page, “In order to balance the Knox County budget, provide a proper education to your…
Foster admits true intentions of Rosebud Lodge in Roane County
Gary Foster, the developer of a proposed adult campground in Roane County, has withdrawn plans for the clothing-optional camp and admitted his true intentions. “Since traveling through beautiful Roane County six years ago on a business trip, I haven’t been able to get those Roane County residents out of my mind.†explains Foster. “This was…
IdleAire and IPIX to team up
Two of Knoxville’s highest profile tech company flops are set to team up to try to bail IdleAire out of the bankruptcy gutter. As soon as the court gives them the go-ahead, IdleAire is going to add IPIX cameras to their in-cab electric units so that truckers can take high quality virtual tour images of…
Dream Ticket coming soon to a ballot near you?
There has been much speculation as to whether the Democrats will assemble a Dream Ticket consisting of Obama for President and Clinton for Vice-President. Roving Knoxpatch reporters have uncovered a far more interesting rumor, a rumor so fresh it hasn’t even received Flashing Siren treatment on the Drudge Report. Insiders close to both candidates have…
News Sentinel bringing success of smaller paper size to online media
After receiving generally positive reactions to the smaller print size of the daily paper, the Knoxville News Sentinel has announced plans to bring this new format to knoxnews.com as well. Beginning June 1, the online edition of the paper will be best viewed on 15-inch monitors.
ORISE introduces social networking program for introverts
The Oak Ridge Institute for Science and Education (ORISE) announced today the development of a new social networking program for introverts. “One of the key purposes of ORISE is to educate the next generation of scientists,†explains the head of software development. “The key trait shared by this elite demographic of brainy people is that…