Category: News

Late last night, Clinton Highway Wal-Mart Parking Lot Rent-a-Cop Allen Harvey reported finding “parking lot circles” near the Taco Bell corner of the Wal-Mart parking area. The circles are perfectly symmetrical and lined in such a way that he suspects aliens were involved. “These circles were just too perfect to have been put there by…

Joseph Black made a startling discovery recently behind Knoxville Municipal Golf Course in North Knoxville when test driving a new Land Rover. Black stated “Before buying a vehicle this expensive, you want to make sure it can really go off-road. I thought driving across the rolling fairways and hazards would be the ideal test. I…

According to scientists at Knoxville’s Center for Viral Anomalies, the West Nile Virus may have mutated into what has become known as the East Nile Virus. The virus, said to be more mischievous than its western counterpart, is spreading at a much slower rate, and has only been linked to the death of one chickadee…

The internationally acclaimed Relics of the Australian Outback tour will be making a stop at the Knoxville Museum of Art. Although technically not “art,” the collection of relics will be on display at the art museum for the next three months. Amber Perkins, KMA spokesperson, explained that the museum is open to cultural attractions of…

The Knoxville Police Department filed a report late last night detailing an incident involving a man and a handsaw on Market Street. Timothy J. Muskrat was apprehended while fleeing the scene by officers Joe Jameson and Fred Nederlander. The report stated that Muskrat was attempting to cut down six sawtooth oaks on the south end…

Recent discussion about whether the name “Volunteers” was appropriate for a Tennessee team has resulted in a contest to change the name. The term “Volunteers” comes from the role Tennesseans played in a war in Texas that had nothing to do with us. Since it relates to Texas directly, and not really Tennessee, a strong…

Knoxville’s annual Ferrets in the City celebration will kick off next week with a wide girth of activities planned. The festival will last the entire week, and promoters hope there will be something for everyone. As part of the celebration, regional artists and taxidermists have contributed ferret likenesses which will be on display in and…

As part of downtown redevelopment planning, an area is to be set aside as a religious district. To ensure that the district will not be filled up by traditional religious groups, officials are rumored to be offering incentives for various religious cults to rent or buy space in the district. A leaked document urged officials…

The Clarence Brown Theatre at the University of Tennessee campus is once again bringing potential greatness to Knoxville audiences. ‘Art’ runs from August 30th through September 14th. Ticket information is available through the Clarence Brown Theatre Box office at 974-5161. A preview article follows. ‘A R T’ By Yasmina Reza Translated by Christopher Hampton ABOUT…

Knoxpatch.com has learned that the old convention center property, under the Holiday Inn, has been sold to foreign investors. The tentative plans of these investors is to create a so-called “capsule hotel.” These hotels, popular in Japan, allow many more people to sleep in the same space as their Western counterparts. The investors expect to…

According to sources, the initial planning stages for Ferrets in the City 2003 has begun. A kickoff meeting was held at Panera Bread, a trendy, hip establishment on Peters Road, to signify the trendy, hip nature of next year’s event. Attendees discussed plans over chocolate croissants and mochafrappuccino. Details are sketchy at this early stage,…

I’ve had many pets over the years, but only actually went in search of a pet once. I usually end up with animals in my home because they walk up to me in the woods or in parking lots, looking bedraggled and really appreciative of a small bite of food. The one time I did…

Undercover KPD Officer, Ben Nubbin, has admitted today that he found a great deal of pleasure harassing the short-lived Last Chance Adult Theatre in Downtown Knoxville. “At the time we were harassing the new business I wasn’t sure as to how I felt about it.” states Officer Nubbin. “It was simply our job to make…

Public television seems to constantly be in the midst of an on-air fundraising campaign. It has recently come to the attention of programmers that the current method of using healthy pitch-men is outdated and doesn’t reach the entire audience of potential donors. Taking a cue from the South African PBS units utilizing an HIV-infected female…

Yves Johnson was driving his golf cart on Saturday when it veered off the path and careened into the Smith-Coughlin house on Lyons View Pike. A spokesperson from Cherokee Country Club told reporters that the investigation is ongoing, but it appears that the golf cart penetrated the house and then began what could only be…