Category: News

UFO sightings have been reported throughout West Knoxville in alarming numbers throughout 2002. The past month has brought an even more dramatic increase, with as many as 10 sightings being reported weekly (nearly twice the number of sightings typically reported in all of Knoxville). The exact cause for the increased traffic over the skies of…

The signs to all restrooms in Knoxville have mysteriously disappeared causing confusion and discomfort throughout the city. Finger pointing and leg-crossing run rampant. No direct evidence has been found linking any one person or group to this crime but 2003 mayoral candidate Space Ghost claims to know what happened. “It’s clear what’s happening here, public…

Al Gore was driving his ’86 Ford Escort down Ebenezer Road late yesterday afternoon when he veered suddenly off the road and ran onto a golf course. He was on his way to the Gettysvue Country Club to attend a $10-a-plate Democrat fundraiser in his honor. “We suspect speed wasn’t an issue,” stated KCSD Officer…

The U.S. Postal Service has been losing the battle for market share with e-mail, Federal Express, and United Parcel Service for years. As expenses have increased income has not kept pace. As an experiment in providing new and innovative services at a low cost the Powell post office has begun training pigeons to replace standard…

Due to a horrible error in scheduling it appears that the Lady Vols basketball team faced the Florida football team on 9/21/2002 in a match-up that will long be remembered in Knoxville. Although they fought well for women that don’t play football, they simply were unable to keep pace with Florida. As of the publication…

Gordon “Rocky” Edens, age 42, recently achieved a life-long dream, gaining recognition for setting a new world-record. Gordon has lived his life in search of the one record that he could break. Months at a time have been spent focusing on different talents such as juggling, walking on his hands, eating hotdogs, and pulling trailers…

William Carrigan loves his parents, and until recently, has maintained a pleasant relationship with them. They met at least once a week for dinner and he often attended church or other events with them. But recently, Carrigan has been checking his Caller ID and ignoring phone calls from his mother. “It all started in my…

Controversial interim library director Charles Davenport is rumored to be making drastic changes to the library system that will have wide, earth-shaking implications through all branches of the Knoxville/Knox County government. Most library directors go unnoticed by the majority of Knoxvillians, and in fact, up to now, most people did not even know one existed,…

At 9:20 on Monday night, September 2, Roger Mulberry was peacefully sleeping in his bed at the Baptist Hospital in downtown Knoxville dreaming about the war. Sometime between 9:20 and 9:22, he was startled awake by the sounds, flashing lights, and vibrations of repeated explosions. According to documents obtained from the nurse’s station, he forgot…

On a practice dig local archeologist William Cross discovered what he claims to be the prototype for the wheel. ‘It’s important for an archeologist to practice his craft,’ claims Mr. Cross ‘so I’ve been visiting landfills on weekends to practice my digging. It’s usually rather easy work, mainly just sifting through old Metropulse newspapers that…

‘Broadway hit’ means very little to me. I don’t care if something was a hit somewhere else at some point in time. I’ve seen marketing professionals pile on all forms of adjectives to get my attention (one organization is currently marketing a ‘Broadway-style’ performance in Knoxville). But…for what it’s worth ‘Art’ was a hit on…

Late yesterday afternoon, a boatload of Cubans rowed ashore at Volunteer Landing. The Coast Guard was befuddled trying to determine how the Cubans were able to miss Florida and row up the Mississippi, make a right onto the Ohio, and another right onto the Tennessee, then traverse the state several times while going through the…

Most local media outlets across the country use sources such as the Associated Press (AP) or Reuters to supply reliable, reasonably accurate national and international news. For local stories, these outlets maintain teams of highly skilled investigative reporters who scout out news, interview witnesses, and deliver their findings to consumers in the form of articles…

Next month, a statue of John Denver will be unveiled at McGhee Tyson Airport. Denver was the ever-popular singer of such tunes as “Thank God I’m a Country Boy” and “Calypso.” The statue, made of some sort of metal, will stand at the head of the fountain in the airport terminal entryway, just before the…

Mary Sue Avogadro, self-titled ‘most trusted source for news in the United States’, has unleashed a startling story. Luckily, thanks to her insightful newsgathering, we are able to bring you the news before it happens – allowing you ample time to prepare. According to Mary Sue, Knoxville will be hit by a catastrophic potato famine…