Category: News

Record cold temperatures in East Tennessee have been wreaking havoc all across the region. From frozen water pipes to thick ice on windshields to puppies refusing to pee, the effects have been devastating. According to Martha Stalwart, a local elderly woman living on Nubbin Ridge Road and her meager pension checks, the cold has claimed…

The original Boy Band, The Bay City Rollers, have announced plans to open a skating rink/dance club in Downtown Knoxville. Decked out in their trademark tartan gear, they still have the ability to regain teen-idol status. Much like the 1978 Sid and Marty Krofft television series, The Bay City Rollers will participate in club events…

Sven Petersen, the regional reigning UNO champion, recently staged the world’s largest UNO game at his Bearden home. Combining his son’s Simpsons and Harry Potter Editions plus six other packs of UNO cards, including his own prized Star Trek Edition, into one game was almost as difficult as getting 80 people together in his small…

I’ve tried several times to find a way to start this article, to no avail. A story lives within my short-term memory but it doesn’t have a place on our website. For lack of better options I am placing this ‘brief review of Oak Ridge and opinion piece’ here in the features section. Bjorn and…

Loudon County entrepreneurs and slumlords, the Matlock brothers – owners of Matlock Brothers’ Used Automobiles and the adjacent trailer park – have filed suit in Small Claims Court against an alleged ghost inhabiting one of their dwellings. After having several reputable families move in and out of a particular trailer within just a few months,…

A war is waging in Knoxville where street meets sidewalk. A large group of sidewalk and greenway users are trying to organize a movement to ban automobiles in general, but especially SUVs. The group on the street really like their automobiles, especially the SUV drivers. Those who prefer bicycle, unicycle, or Segway to the automobile…

Everett Benning was operating his jack hammer yesterday busting up concrete on Market Square while his best friend, Eugene Humphrey, removed the broken pieces with his Bobcat. As Humphrey backed away with a large chunk of concrete, Benning looked down and noticed a skeleton partially buried beneath it. “I wasn’t real surprised to find it,…

Michel de Nostradamus may have predicted the fate of Universe Knoxville long before anyone dreamed of its existence. A newly discovered quatrain, open to interpretation, has many convinced that Nostradamus did have insight into our fate. Here at Knoxpatch.com, we believe the quatrain speaks for itself. Beasts ferocious for outside visitors will reach for the…

This giant tarantula did not attack. A giant tarantula was expected to attack Knoxville late last week, according to sources. Instead, the creature passed us by and attacked Johnson City instead. Nobody in Knoxville was hurt as it walked peacefully by. North Knoxville farmer Herbert Walker reported that several of his cows were found sucked…

Due to the alarming increase in the statistical probability that snow may fall during the month of February, Knox County Schools Superintendent Bocephus Jackson has declared schools closed until March. “It has proven statistically less likely to snow in March,” he said in a statement made last night. “I just can’t endanger the chilluns any…

Quentin Tarantino smiles for the camera, but not in Knoxville. Plans for the State Street site have varied from the strange to the stranger, but none of them has had more momentum and support than the proposed Quentin Tarantino Library. Although the library will not be presidential in nature, it is thought that since Tarantino…

The Knox County Health Department has canceled plans for smallpox vaccinations due to the high number of needle insertions required. According to directions provided by the CDC, 15 insertions are required with a two-prong needle allowing for a total of 30 insertions. After an extensive training session it has been discovered that employees of the…

Facing the scorn of the local community, recent newcomer to Knoxville, Stephen Kushner has proposed that Knoxville is nearly flat instead of round as traditionally accepted. Throughout written history it has been generally accepted that Knoxville is round and that the rest of Tennessee rapidly revolves around Knoxville. Soon after moving into his new downtown…

Ernie Roberts, a Fort Sanders resident, has been admitted to Lakeshore Mental Hospital after a particularly harrowing weekend trying to restore the trees in his front yard. In a heroic effort to restore the foliage to its original summer appearance he devoted the extended holiday break to painting the leaves green and returning them to…

Geneticists working for the Weigel’s Farm Stores chain have announced that a substance has been discovered that will grant immunity to the ‘Icee Freeze Headache.’ Weigel’s has long held the belief that Icee headaches are the stumbling block preventing complete dominance in the convenience store market. By delivering the harmless substance into the bloodstream through…