Category: News

Dr. Shumaker, embattled University of Tennessee President, has issued an apology for all past actions and declares that he doesn’t actually remember anything that has happened since moving to Tennessee. Lawyers for Dr. Shumaker claim that he has been suffering from a rare disorder by the name of stupidous assism which causes certain individuals to…

Joe Binkley was researching University of Tennessee policies as part of his doctoral thesis when he came across a little known school policy. Passed in 1911, the rediscovered policy allows for University presidents to be recalled if the signatures of at least 32 students can be collected and submitted to the school’s Board of Special…

President Shumaker has been in the press repeatedly over the past months for various alleged indiscretions…all of which center around exorbitant spending habits. These allegations are casting a poor light on the University as a whole and it was decided by the Board of Trustees that some changes must be made. UT will soon install…

A passageway to Shangri-la has been discovered in the bathroom of Taco Bell on Cumberland Avenue. It turns out that what appeared as a doorway to a stall in the bathroom was actually a passageway to pure happiness and nirvana. According to the manager on duty it has been years since anyone actually cleaned the…

ALERT! Knoxville is currently undergoing 12 hours of drought the likes of which the area has never seen. “Through this spring, we’ve had a lot of dry spells, but nothing like today,” explains drought specialist Bernard Joules. The city and county are ordering citizens to refrain from watering lawns, washing cars, or flushing liquids until…

Health officials investigating an outbreak of possum pox that apparently spread from a single possum in Clinton, Tennessee said yesterday the number of reported cases has risen to at least 14. The outbreak illustrates a growing problem: picking possums from the road without knowing how long they have been dead, a trend that some medical…

Two men responsible for decommissioningthe Oak Ridge Graphite Reactorreunite for the first time in 30 years. Thirty years after working together as part of a team created to decommission the Oak Ridge Graphite Reactor, the only two living team members were reunited. The gathering was in honor of the scientists that originally designed the reactor….

Dr. Jerry Dean, Oak Ridge TN, has recently published journals indicating important findings regarding the impact of suicide on the body’s likelihood of developing cancer. Dr. Dean’s test subjects were subjected to high doses of cigarette smoke, saccharin, and the UPN Network over a period of six months. After the six month timeframe, they each…

At this time last year Knoxpatch.com reported on several proposed patches to the University of Tennessee budget, including pay toilets. Once again, as the new fiscal year rolls around, the University of Tennessee finds itself in a budget crisis and needing to save another $40 million. Roving Knoxpatch.com reporters have found a list of proposed…

Coming soon: KPKOA To compliment the range of lodging available for the convention center, a KOA Kampground will be built in Krutch Park. Starting next spring, the KPKOA will entice visitors who would otherwise head to the mountains for their kamping needs and it will offer convention center visitors an alternative to stuffy hotels. The…

Knoxville’s ailing member of the Atlantic Coast Hockey League, the Ice Bears, has launched a last-ditch effort for success. After a time of rebuilding throughout the remainder of 2003 they will emerge in 2004 as one of only 12 world-class members of the American Bocce League. This decision does take the Ice Bears on a…

Due to recent changes in state law, Knox County Executive Mike Ragsdale is now the Mayor of Knox County. With two mayors inside the boundaries of Knox County, the Knoxville City Mayor’s office has passed a resolution retitling the position of city mayor to King of the Dominion. This will avoid confusion because without the…

Your two friendly reporters/writers here at Knoxpatch.com receive constant requests for advice. Questions are sometimes as simple as “Why did they make a prequel to Dumb and Dumber?” to more complex issues such as “I’m relocating my family to Knoxville, could you tell me a few of your favorite areas to live and a little…

Rumor has it that Moxley Carmichael, East Tennessee’s premier public and media relations firm, has been hired by the WHO to put a positive spin on the SARS epidemic. With hundreds of firms competing for the contract this is a major coup for the Knoxville-based firm. Representatives from within the company seem excited at the…

People from all over East Tennessee are once again joining together in support of a culture they having nothing in common with for the greater good. In response to the recent destruction of a fire engine during the military action in Baghdad a group of Knoxville’s most prominent citizens have started a grassroots effort to…