Category: News

On the heels of President Bush announcing missions to both Mars and the moon, Mayor Haslam has boldly proclaimed his exploratory intentions to two mysterious local communities. “We’d prefer to set our sights on Jupiter – something that will finally generate some positive renown for Knoxville,” stated Haslam. Unfortunately, the current budget challenges have presented…

Routine groundwork at the Knoxville National Cemetery has uncovered one of the largest mass graves ever discovered in East Tennessee.

In order to compete in the increasingly competitive and narrowly focused radio market, WUOT Public Radio is making a drastic change in format. Inside sources have told Knoxpatch reporters that as of May 1, 2004 the format will change to “All Hank, All The Time.” Although the potential audience will be dramatically reduced, the loyalty…

In response to recent lifts on travel bans by the US State Department, Knoxville’s McGhee Tyson Airport (TYS) will begin offering direct flights to Tripoli and Havana. Airport spokesman Ronald Kadafy said the move is also a way to encourage travelers to utilize Knoxville airports instead of driving the 30 or so hours to Mexico…

Dr. Leslie Cunningham of the Campbell Cunningham Laser Center claims to have discovered a new way to perform LASIK surgeries that will dramatically increase hindsight. Clinical trials show that making corrective incisions on the cornea, and then inverting it, will improve hindsight by up to 80%. According to Dr. Cunningham, the results are very dramatic….

Dan Baker was tired of paying fifty cents a can for Mountain Dew. Additionally, he hated having to get up and weave his way through 200 yards of hallways to reach the machine. So he calculated, based upon the cost of a 12-pack vs. the cost of cans from the machine, that he could save…

Officials close to the State Coordinator of Elections report that they are “sick and tired” of having to deal with the attention Iowa and New Hampshire receive in the world’s media around election time. Additionally, they found it annoying that the candidates’ attention to the South always appears to be an afterthought. To retaliate, Tennessee…

In recent months, city officials have been making efforts to reduce the pigeon and starling population in the downtown Knoxville area, especially around Market Square. Visitors are assaulted while they gather together, enjoying an otherwise pleasant urban experience on their lunch breaks, when droppings are hurled at them by hungy birds. Recently, the city installed…

Knoxville’s traffic problems continue to mount, causing an estimated annual 8850 hours of productivity loss to Knoxville businesses due to employees arriving to the office late during the morning hours. Under considerable pressure from small to mid-size businesses, the city of Knoxville has announced a change to the customary school Safety Zone configuration. This new…

The proposed new downtown Super Wal-Mart has drawn criticism from patrons of Club LeConte, the prestigious downtown hangout of local business leaders. Wal-Mart plans to move into the building recently vacated by Union Planters, who are in no way affiliated with the peanut company, and erect a giant Wal-Mart sign on top of the building….

Folks have been moving into the Downtown Knoxville condominiums for years, falsely led to believe that it is a safe living environment. Rumors appear every now and then that various drug and hate-crime related activities occur near the condominiums, but Knoxpatch reporters have learned of a citywide cover-up of startling proportions. Land sharks have been…

In an attempt to avoid filing for bankruptcy and the stigma that goes with it, Knoxville man Howard Bean sought out other alternatives. “I had really run up a lot of credit card debt,” Bean explained, “plus, the first and second mortgage added up to more than the value of my house and my car…

Remnants of the PewterMatics server room Local telesales company PewterMatics had to call in a crack team of network support specialists on Tuesday when a disgruntled employee went on a destructive rampage. “I’ve never seen anything like it,” said John Hindenberg, PewterMatics’ operations manager. “She just went crazy!” According to police reports, at about 1:32…

The school board voted unanimously to call in the Sheriff and several SWAT teams to investigate what insiders call the most blatant misuse of a food contract in years. The first SWAT team, codenamed Gregory, is to break down the doors of the Acme School Lunch Delectables Corporation at dawn tomorrow. Their primary objective is…

West Hills resident Michael Bean is an ordinary guy. He has a wife, two kids, and two dogs. However, He doesn’t own a car. He doesn’t own a house. He doesn’t own a lawnmower. As a matter of fact, Michael Bean doesn’t own a single thing. Anything Michael buys or owns ends up broken. Just…