Category: News

After realizing what a pain in the ass it is becoming to do any road projects in modern society, and also that hindsight is 20/20, TDOT announced plans to widen I-40 through downtown enough to allow for any future expansion. A spokesmodel said TDOT is taking this measure so they will not have to deal…

The new series “Autumn in the City” began yesterday in downtown Knoxville on Market Square. The event set a record of highest attendance at any Market Square event by port-a-potties. “This is amazing,” said event attendee Josh Hoobar, “I’ve never seen so many port-a-johns at one place!” The event was attended by no less than…

Knoxville geologists are in a frazzle because earthquakes have been increasing in frequency around a recently discovered volcano. The earthquakes, which occur most often on Saturday afternoons, range anywhere in magnitude from 0.01 to 0.63. The volcano is located along the river across from the University of Tennessee Agriculture campus, and at least for now,…

A crack team of Knoxpatch.com investigative reporters have uncovered what appears to be the largest betting pool in Knox County, larger even than March Madness. It seems that county road crews engage in an underground gambling racket based on potholes. Juan Johnson, a pseudonoymous former road crew worker who acted as our primary informant, actually…

Stinging from the loss of the first Presidential debate of the election, George W. Bush has changed strategies after receiving a bit of important information. Statistics show that Halloween mask sales have accurately determined every election since Ronald Reagan defeated Jimmy Carter in 1980. Therefore, logic dictates, that a win in November is guaranteed if…

West Knoxvillian, Amy Styles, has been charged for defacing her own property and malicious mischief for stealing Kerry campaign signs…from her own front yard. Upon receiving her fifth complaint about Republicans stealing her signs the Knoxville Police Department performed an overnight stakeout to teach someone a lesson. What they saw was that Ms. Styles conscience…

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“With the tax cuts I’ve given to Americans, they don’t need to beg for candy.” states President Bush. “Each family now saves at least enough in a year to buy a bag of almost any candy they want. And how does it make us look to other countries, to dress up like Bill Clinton and…

After nearly monopolizing the modular housing market, Clayton Homes has entered into the corrugated cardboard manufacturing business. Business analysts see this as a natural progression to current offerings and have applauded the move by upgrading the stock. With proper financial planning, Clayton representatives claim that anyone currently sleeping under old newspapers should be able to…

Due to the extreme popularity of the recent September 11th exhibit, the East Tennessee Historical Society has announced plans to create the nation’s first September 10th exhibit. Exhibit organizers promise to showcase thousands of items that do not include the phrase ‘Pre 9-11.’ Although a commitment has not yet been received, the intention is to…

Knoxville faced the tragic closure of the Gay Street Bridge in February of 2001. Since that time, an approximate $16 million dollars has been spent to renovate the 107-year-old structure. Expecting a surge of public sentiment and excitement, the City of Knoxville reopened the bridge at 11:59 PM on Easter with a private showing of…

Knoxville has been chosen to host the 2005 First Annual National GED Prom, a new event designed to assist those receiving a GED to experience all the special moments that typically are associated with high school. Event organizers are unsure as to how many will attend the Prom, but promise enough activity to provide a…

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A freak combination of natural and man-made occurrences has led to what may become the largest tourist attraction in the state of Tennessee, what is quickly becoming known as the “Southern Lights” over Knoxville. It appears that a mixture of cigarette smoke and beer fumes coming from the “Jacks or Better” trailer park on Clinton…

GWAR member Hymenstraready to entertain. Keeping with the “Sundown In the City” mantra of providing entertainment for the entire family, organizers just announced that later in the summer, GWAR will headline the event. The date has yet to be announced, but is expected to coincide with Independence Day celebrations. GWAR, a metal band, puts on…