Category: News

Victor Ashe will continue his political career in a small Colorado town by the name of Florissant. Carl Sexton, unhappy with all the candidates available, decided to cause a stir with a write-in vote. Carl, during early voting, voted for his donkey and was so pleased with himself that he created campaign posters promoting Victor…

The Oak Ridge chapter of AICE (American Institute of Chemical Engineers) has announced the development of a permanent underarm deodorant for both men and women. Although initial reaction was upbeat, bringing hope of revitalization to the beleaguered Oak Ridge area, Procter & Gamble has issued an analysis of the new product pointing out that its…

At 12:02 p.m. more than 45,000 rubber ducks were released into the Tennessee River, marking the return of one of Knoxville’s most successful nonprofit fundraisers. At 12:04 p.m. it was reported that a North Knoxville cell of Al Qaeda had replaced one of the regular rubber ducks with a ‘dirty duck’ containing enough uranium to…

Knoxville’s alternative newspaper, the Metro Pulse, has announced that the last edition as we know it will be printed in October, 2004. In order to better focus on what they do best, the printing press is to be converted to produce toilet paper. Information is not readily available as to the impact this may have…

CBS News has announced that it cannot prove the authenticity of Dan Rather and that allowing him to spend years at the newsdesk was a “mistake” that CBS regretted. CBS News claimed a source had misled the network on Rather’s origins, stating that they had been told he was a reputable newscaster. In a statement,…

The manager of a local Wal-Mart (specific location withheld) states that on Friday, May 7th, a skinny person was caught on video surveillance while shopping within the store. Government experts are currently studying the tape in an attempt to identify exactly what can be seen. The world continues to look upon this story with hope,…

In an attempt to boost ratings now that the makeover craze is showing signs of slowing, Bravo TV has announced that the five stars of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy will soon face their toughest challenge to date. They will attempt to makeover the entire city of Clinton, Tennessee. Well known for its complete…

KFAR was shutdown in September, 2004 by the FCC because they were operating illegally. Not only were they operating illegally, they had never made an effort to operate within the guidelines of the law. According to concerned liberals across the region, however, this didn’t stop KFAR from providing an important voice that should not be…

Regal Entertainment Group is the largest motion picture exhibitor in the world, operating more than 6100 screens in 39 states, with corporate offices located in Knoxville, Tennessee. Although Regal faced several financial difficulties in the late 1990’s and early 2000 they have seen continued growth over the past few years. Current growth strategies even include…

Note: Please contact us and let me know of any places I should try to eat at downtown. The Market Square area is where I tend to be most of the time. I got the news late last week. On Monday, I was to report for duty to work on a large project for a…

The Condombulance will begin making deliveries to needy couples here in the Greater Knoxville area later next month. Set up as a public service, and a great way to make some extra cash, the Condombulance will help couples stay in the mood. No longer will one of them have to hop in the car and…

Much to the dismay of room mothers, Knox County Schools has adopted a ban on classroom cupcakes. The ban, set to take effect before fall birthdays and Christmas, will apply to treats brought in for any event that could be considered religious or exclusive in nature. Knox County Schools spokesperson Arnold J. Glimmer said that…

Do you like to walk for blocks to find anything green? Do you think the sky should only be visible when you look straight up? Would you rather an empowered city worker clean your sidewalk rather than you mow your own yard? Then downtown Knoxville is just the place for you. With plenty of concrete,…

A recent study by the Earl and Bubba Institute found that out of all Knoxvilles in the nation, the one in Tennessee ranks third best overall. Here are the rankings of all nine Knoxvilles: Knoxville, Iowa Knoxville, Georgia Knoxville, Tennessee Knoxville, Arkansas Knoxville, Alabama Knoxville, Maryland Knoxville, Pennsylvania Knoxville, Illinois New Knoxville, Ohio Earl Renfro,…

Since AirTran (formerly ValuJet) pulled out of the Knoxville market in 2000, area residents and businesses have been driving to either Nashville or Atlanta in order to afford air travel. Local businesses and politicians have teamed up in an effort to lure a low-cost airline to Knoxville. Although seemingly fruitless at times, the efforts have…