Category: News

Inspired by recent controversy over the Confederate flag being displayed in public, a grassroots campaign to clean up history is about to get under way in East Tennessee. Ima Khunt, who came up with the idea, explains, “You see, I’m sick and tired of having symbols of past history shoved in my face. You know,…

Due to the success of church groups showing non-offensive Andy Griffith Show reruns to members in order to impart useful moral lessons without causing them to feel uncomfortable, several local church youth groups are pioneering the introduction of He-Man and GI-Joe cartoon reruns. “Yes, they’re violent sometimes, and involve war or fighting,” explained youth leader…

Sad news has broken that a historic building has recently burned. Luckily, it was located in Oak Ridge so further details aren’t worth posting.

After witnessing the success of the News Sentinel’s Women Today Expo, The Katch has announced the upcoming Men Today Expo. Although men rejoiced, the overall public has not received this event with open arms. According to a few random females that have been surveyed for this story, an event for only men is ‘just plain…

Knoxville’s down-on-its-luck Bijou Theater recently began nightly screenings of 1980’s brilliant cinematic masterpiece The Blue Lagoon. With such memorable lines as “What are you looking at?” and “Your muscles,” this love story for all ages starring Brooke Shields and some guy has been drawing crowds of Knoxvillians to the Bijou for the past month. Bijou’s…

Recent studies conducted at the University of Tennessee show that the aged are growing increasingly older. A twelve-year study, funded in part by the makers of Gerber Baby Food, undeniably proves that the U.S. population continues to age daily. Lead researcher, Franklin F. Buttons, says that the compiled reports based on this study will have…

In a move seen as a win for downtown, the American Belchers Association has selected Market Square as the location of its 2006 Festival of the Belches. The festival should attract several hundred participants competing for the titles of Best Overall Belcher, Loudest Belch, Best Echo, Longest Belch, and Ripest Belch. The festival will be…

The Knoxville Chapter of the Fraternal Order of Eagles (FOE) was recently surprised by the receipt of membership applications from an entire cast of Chicken Hawks. Although the Chicken Hawks are clearly not eagles, they claim DNA evidence will show that they are a direct descendant of the esteemed Golden Eagle. The FOE, best known…

Herbie, apparently ashamed of his NASCAR conversion, has vanished. Sometime late last week, Herbie the Lovebug, the famous Volkswagen Beetle with a mind of its own, unexpectedly went missing from its California garage. Sources close to the car say that it felt shame for its most recent movie, starring Lindsay Lohan, and that any association…

President Bush, on Monday, supposedly signed an energy bill recently passed by Congress after a four-year battle. However, Knoxpatch has learned that Bush secretly replaced the document at the last minute and signed his own energy bill into law. Sources say that little of the original $14.5 billion legislation of the original document is included…

In order to save limited resources, the embattled Knoxville College has announced plans to move into the old Harold’s Deli location in Downtown Knoxville. College representatives stated that the new location would provide more than enough space for the number of students that the college has, plus give them access to a cash register and…

Even though shoppers and pharmacists alike have yet to get used to the inconvenience of having to obtain cold remedies from behind the counter, recent legislation will require other, potentially dangerous products to be stored and distributed from the pharmacy department as well. There has been a recent trend where people, whose family tree tends…

Mark Sentell recently had an epiphany. “I was sitting on the toilet, you know, after eating several bowls of my wife’s chili, and suddenly I realized that the universe is freaking huge, man,” he exclaimed, “it’s totally funny how you do your best thinking on the toilet. Or the lawnmower.” Experts agree that the universe…

The City of Knoxville has adopted the recommendation of a small local marketing and public relations firm to re-brand the image of homeless individuals. Effective immediately, the homeless are to be referred to as ‘free-range citizens.’ “This new name will put a positive spin on the entire plight,” stated one representative, “everyone knows that free-range…