Category: News

Vulcan, Roman god of fire, managed to hold off firefighters and assist with downtown revitalization last night by removing portions of yet another worthless old house from Hill Avenue near the riverfront. Although a large portion of the building has been burned, the fate of the building will remain under debate due to its location…

Tonight, there is good news for Knoxvillians who have drug or alcohol dependencies. Starting next week, a new program called “Free Beer and Drugs For Everyone” kicks off with a drunken loft dance in the Old City. Anyone with a dependency, or anyone who would like free beer or drugs, needs only fill out a…

Due to a system glitch, Knox County citizens who sign up for the new prescription drug discount card will be removed from the state lottery eligibility list. This little-known lottery eligibility list was developed by the same software company who wrote the discount card system, and they apparently used the same database to store names…

Knoxville will soon have red light cameras at several intersections, cameras that are in place to watch us IN CASE we do something wrong. Many folks think these cameras are such a good idea, that additional proactive safety measures are being proposed throughout Knoxville. Policies currently under consideration include: 1. Fertility testing with every purchase…

In the tradition of the musical heritage walk in downtown Knoxville, the new riverfront development will incorporate a “History of Sewage” walk. “We’re trying to take a negative and make a positive out of it,” explained riverfront developer and sewage afficionado Jackey Dempster. “You could say the sewage odor wafting across the breeze from the…

Unless you live under a rock, you have heard by now about Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally shooting a fellow hunter last week. But what you may not know is that this was not the first sporting accident where Cheney caused grief for other people. Knoxpatch.com research interns have discovered that in addition to shooting…

More than 200 Knoxville birds have tested positive for Spring Fever. Although the source of the problem cannot be proven, it is believed that the recent cold snap is to blame. Experts warn that the owners of the birds will have to cull the entire flocks, or let the birds go outside to play a…

The talented Knoxville News Sentinel editorial cartoonist, Charlie Daniels, has upset residents of Hell with his February 15th cartoon showing a fictionalized discussion between two ‘devil’ creatures looking at a bill from TVA. One minion of Hell that wished to remain anonymous seemed exasperated and wished to stress to our readers the fact that Hell…

Weigel’s Farm Stores has secured sole rights to bottle and bring to market the refreshingly clean taste of the quickly melting polar ice caps. By having the foresight to seize this opportunity, it is expected that Weigel’s will quickly dominate the bottled water market and possibly exit the dairy business. When asked if they will…

Although they are typically known for simply offering advice, the ‘fashion police’ have arrested Andie Ray, the owner of Vagabondia. According to the fashion police report, the decision to arrest Andie was a last-resort and seen as a necessity to protect anyone that could be a future customer. Comments from the report include the following:…

With offensive coordinator Sanders out of the way, Notre Dame looked like an easy win for the University of Tennessee Volunteers. However, according to Coach Fulmer, a drastic mistake involving overly diluting the Gatorade mix caused the Vols to weaken late in the game…and eventually lose. The water boy has been fired and mixing the…

The E.W. Scripps Co., owner of the Knoxville News Sentinel, the Halls Shopper, and Powell Shopper, is in negotiations to buy Knoxpatch.com. “It is our philosophy to control all sources of news within a community,” said Mark Consuelo, a big executive-type at Scripps. “We feel that bringing each of Knoxpatch.com’s 6 readers into our fold…

In case Judge Alito is not confirmed to the Supreme Court, or if there is another conservative rebellion, President Bush has reportedly tapped Knoxville Judge Roald Van Wade as an alternate backup nominee. Judge Wade’s years of experience presiding over traffic court should provide him with an adequate resume to get confirmed. “Judge Wade has…

“The announcement that offensive coordinator Randy Sanders would step down was a move in the right direction, but only the tip of the iceberg when it comes to the fixes we’re putting into place.” stated an anonymous UT Official. “If we’ve learned anything from the success of the athletic program this year, it’s the benefits…

In response to fears of a terrorist attack involving characters from the popular South Park cartoon, a Towelie-ban has been initiated throughout the City of Knoxville effective immediately. According to reputable tips from anonymous sources that identified themselves only as Matt and Trey, a specific threat exists against the Downtown Knoxville trolley system and the…