News and abuse
Spuds Unleash Their Inner Rebellion, Reject Being Mashed and Boiled In a shocking turn of events, potatoes across the country have declared a rebellion, demanding equal rights and an end to their centuries-old culinary confinement. No longer content being mere sidekicks, these starchy rebels are seeking a seat at the dinner table alongside more glamorous…
After realizing the incredible popularity of his coughing COVID-19/Omicron speech, President Biden announced he will soon release a Christmas track. “The dogs barking that beloved Christma…oh yeah, we can’t say Christmas…that holiday song ‘Jingle…something,’ and you know, the cats that do the same thing but with meows, I want to do that too,” he announced…
The Watsons were excited. They were attending their first concert since the COVID-19 lockdowns expired. Around two weeks before the date of the show, the venue changed their rules to require either vaccination cards or a negative COVID test to attend. With four kids, attending any sort of public event is already stressful. The Watsons…
If you are tired of feeling selfish about your reaction to the virus, or anything else for that matter, we can confirm that wearing a mask is the best way to stop feeling or being selfish. If you cover your face with an uncomfortable piece of cloth, not only will you not be protected whatsoever…
While the media and congress are distracted by the impeachment trial, Trump is taking the opportunity to further stamp his style on the White House. In what some are calling a “daring move,” Trump is set to redecorate the Lincoln Bedroom in the “Farm House” style while nobody is paying attention. The key to this…
In newly released recordings, Donald Trump was overheard lauding his guilty pleasure, lamb fries. In the 1994 recording, Trump was overheard discussing his obsession with Knoxville Mayor Bill Haslam. Knoxpatch.com has acquired exclusive transcripts of the conversation: Haslam: “So, Donald. What do you think about these Petro’s?” Trump: “Well, they’re pretty good. I do like…
Ahead of their major announcement coming Tuesday, Wikileaks exclusively previewed several of the more interesting findings with Knoxpatch.com today. Through email, Julian Assange shared a list of the damning information with us. In 1996, Hillary Clinton failed to tip the roller skating girl who delivered food at a Sonic Restaurant. She also has never tipped…
This week, news emerged that Randy Burleson, owner of Knoxville favorites Aubrey’s and Bistro By The Tracks, has purchased Old City’s standout, The Crown and Goose restaurant. Many theories flew around social media as to what will become of The Crown and Goose now that Executive Chef Jeffrey DeAlejandro will no longer be guiding the…
Knoxville native Maynard Britain, who announced several months ago he was planning to go through with assisted suicide in response to his terminal illness, has admitted it was a hoax. “I really do have a brain tumor,” he said in his issued statement, “that is true. I’m still going to die. But I was never…
Coming off a disappointing third-quarter earnings report, Regal Entertainment Group enlisted the help of Morgan Stanley & Co. to review strategic options to increase revenue for the chain. What might have appeared to be a daunting task, turned out to be rather simple when viewed by an outside consulting group with no true knowledge of…
While local health systems plan a forum to answer the public’s questions about the Ebola virus, a Knoxville church is offering sanctuary to people most afraid of contracting the deadly virus. Ebola has yet to spread to East Tennessee — and may never get here — but Grace Baptist Church, 7171 Oak Ridge Highway, will…
As the polls opened for early voting across Tennessee yesterday, all eyes were on the ballot initiatives, especially Amendment 2. Pro-abortion groups are eagerly anticipating passage of the first-of-its kind constitutional amendment that will encourage ALL pregnant woman to consider abortion as an alternative to going through with their pregnancies. “Tennessee isn’t usually known for…
The results are in, and the Best of Knoxville Newspaper Closing for 2014 is the Metro Pulse! And, this gives us a reason to blow the dust off the Commodore 64, fire up our digital printing press, and put Knoxpatch back into motion. Stay tuned…
Although they still maintain that they aren’t saying that they did or did not do anything wrong, sources close to Knoxpatch.com writers tell us that Jimmy Haslam is making an offer to those stating they were hurt by Pilot’s business practices. According to our sources, Pilot will buy back all fuel purchased by those impacted…
In response to the US Presidential elections, the remaining modern Maya people have issued a collective statement on behalf of their elders. “Told you so, pack up your shit, get in a bunker, and take your guns with you. It’s over.”