Author: Brehd Patchley

The Food and Drug Administration has issued a warning this evening that the health risk due to certain tomatoes has been extended to Grainger County, Tennessee. Although no Grainger County tomatoes have caused salmonella, they have attacked at least six people. No decision has been made as of yet to how this will impact the…

Food City has carved a new niche by restoring brands of yesteryear, brands that we all once loved and somehow let fall by the wayside. Recent offerings include Kern’s Bread, Kay’s Ice Cream and Lay’s Meats. Continuing this trend, they announced this morning that World’s Fair Beer will soon be back on the shelves. The…

Facing a 5.7 percent ($11.1 million) budget cut, a University of Tennessee spokesperson recently stepped forward to address what has worried us all the most. According to UT, “The millions spent on paying athletic coaches is not in jeopardy, we are cutting less needed items such as the Department of Audiology and Speech Pathology and…

She was holding out for a VP position, but sometimes things just don’t work as planned. Insiders say that Hillary has been approached by Obama’s campaign to consider working as a maid and handling light yard duties at the White House. Clinton has gone on record as saying she would at least consider it, if…

With some of Knox County’s 19 library branches in jeopardy due to the County budget, many feared that they would soon lose access to the free use of romance novels and online pornography. This fear, however, was put to rest today when Mayor Ragsdale announced a plan to fill any potential holes in service at…

The Newman’s Own line of products is branching out during the current economic crisis to provide quality nutritional items for people of all income levels. This is especially good news at a time that many are having to cut back on cigarettes and gasoline in order to keep cupboards stocked with Cheetos. The new line…

An abandoned multi-story home on Old Lowes Ferry Road burned over the weekend. After extinguishing the fire, the Blount County Fire Department was planning on working long hours this weekend to determine the cause of the blaze. However, before inspections could begin, Sharon Stone issued a statement that the original builders in 1802 didn’t behave…

An unidentified male has purchased tickets to see Sex and the City, according to employees at the Regal Cinemas on Gay Street, in Downtown Knoxville. Although his intentions for using the tickets were unclear, the purchase definitely took place. Amanda, the ticket-booth girl, says he walked up sometime around 2 p.m. wearing a trench coat…

A delegation the Republic of Karelia visited Tennessee today to learn about SmartFIX40, which is now famous across the globe. Translators worked with the Karelians to help explain the symbolic relationship between Malfunction Junction and SmartFIX40. Then, City officials drove the Karelian delegation to the heart of the SmartFIX40 project and left them to find…

Dear Knoxville, I keep getting spam emails from the ADAM SMALL STRATEGIC BUSINESS NETWORK, promoting the Knoxville Business Xchange. Today, I got 13 copies. Every time they fire up the spam canons to fill my inbox with crap, I follow the procedures to stop receiving their junk…yet it just continues to pour in. If you…

An Oak Ridge resident managed to ride a personal water craft and drive his motorcycle across the Dragon (TWICE) over the Memorial Day weekend without accident. Others involved in the recreational activities have been inspected and are in good condition as well, with no signs of needing to be rushed to the hospital?

The Environment and Conservation Department, teaming with sweatshops in China, have found a suitable use for the mercury-laden fish swimming in Tennessee rivers. Through a unique partnership, Chinese manufacturers are to begin sending cheaply made thermometers adapted for the insertion of a small fish in place of the standard compound typically used. The new thermometers…

After hearing that Mrs. Clinton claims to be ahead in the national popular vote, Mayor Ragsdale today announced his endorsement of her as President. Encouraging others to step up and help, he quickly made a $1000 campaign contribution using his P-card.

Frustrated with delays and resistance towards new digital billboards, Lamar Advertising Company has issued a press release outlining plans to wrap advertising around the more than 450,000 orange construction barrels throughout Tennessee. Negotiations are also underway to wrap telephone poles as feminine hygiene products.