Author: Bjorn Knoxley

Governor Bredesen is expected to sign legislation this week that will drastically cut down on the number of people moving to Tennessee from out-of-state, especially those from California. This bill is hailed as a triumph for anti-inter-state-immigration lobbyists who have been pushing for tighter control of Tennessee borders. “This is truly a great day for…

Burning up the campaign trail, including three stops in as many weeks, Fred Thompson was just about to ramp up his campaign earlier today. Instead of making his way to the Rotund Room where he was scheduled to speak, he stopped to smell some roses that were left for a guest at the hotel front…

University of Tennessee professor Marvin Valazquez received federal funding last year to study the working habits of Mexican blue collar workers in the United States to see how they compare to U.S. citizens. The controversial study will be released next week, and published in the scholarly journal “Work It.” At his press conference yesterday, Valazquez…

While Catholics the world over are celebrating the spectacle of Pope John Paul II waving from beyond the grave in flames of a brush fire, farmer Bubba C. Gaines swears he saw the Great Pumpkin rising from his recent leaf fire. Experts say the photo he snapped with his iPhone is inconclusive, but pumpkin-o-philes are…

Sore at being outdone by current Knoxville mayor Bill Haslam, Victor Ashe is rumored to be using his ties with President Bush to lure a new attraction to downtown Knoxville. According to an anonymous contact familiar with the negotiations, Ashe is in talks with President Bush to locate the Bush Presidential Library in downtown Knoxville.…

This is Bjorn here, your trusty useless reporter in the field, covering the blog convention at Ray’s ESG sitting right next to Brehd and some other folks. I am using a Mac, which more or less goes against everything I believe in, so what does that tell us? That I have reached my limit on…

In a new development, U.S. border patrol agents are baffled by a rare wormhole they have found dug under the U.S.-Mexico border fence. The wormhole was discovered by agents patrolling the Arizona border early Thursday in the Coronado National Forest. Reports say it was covered by brush, but agents spotted flashes of light coming from…

An anonymous member of the Tennessee legislature has leaked a memo that circulated after the budget surplus was discovered. The memo described in detail how the public relations firm, hired to cover the news, planned on helping the legislature come up with ways to make the public think they were getting money back but not…

Last month, Jack Eckelston brought a new franchise to Knoxville called “Carb Neutral.” The concept is loosely based on the “carbon neutral” fad and offers fat people the option to offset their carbohydrate intake by purchasing bran muffins for skinny people. “It is common knowledge that many overweight people do not like health food, and…

In an attempt to seem more human, Hillary Tracker has noticed that the junior senator from Arkansas New York is making an effort to bond with audiences around the country by trying to sound like them. Lately, the press has been reporting that Hillary has adopted a Southern accent in various public speaking engagements. In…

Knox County Schools is considering a drastic measure in response to all the “whining West Knoxville parents who would rather send their kids to an old, run-down school instead of a nice new shiny school that doesn’t have the word ‘Farragut’ written on it.” Since nobody seems to be happy sending their children to a…

In a desperate attempt to become relevant for the 2008 presidential elections, some Republican strategists are scrambling to resurrect important dead historical Republican figures. Among the soon-to-be-living are Abraham Lincoln and Ronald Reagan. “We just can’t get a break,” explained one strategist on condition of anonymity, “the Democrat candidates are hogging all the news stories,…

Governor Bredesen gave in to pressure today after mounting criticism of his Christmas card depicting a teenage girl he met while in an Afghanistan chat room. His new Christmas card depicts a teenage girl he met while in a North Korean chat room. “I’m not sure whether she is Buddhist or Confucianist, that wasn’t in…

Knoxpatch (KP) In a local news first, WBIR this week will introduce a transgender news programmer. The new staff member, a flamboyant news junkie named Starla, hopes to attract a portion of the growing transgender television market. Initial assignments include sprucing up Schwall’s World and the Heartland Series. Starla’s introduction to the airwaves will take…

The Jones Soda Maternity Flavor Pack includes five new flavors: Pickles & Ice Cream, Prenatal Vitamin, Morning Sickness, Breast Milk, and Water Broke Mineral Water. Available for a limited time, the new pack is expected to make hundreds of thousands of dollars for Jones Soda, just like the other disgusting flavor packs they put out…