KP: The first question that everyone wants an answer to is simple. Why? Why are you running for Mayor of Knoxville and why have you decided to relocate to our town? SG: Although Knoxville has been under fine leadership for several years I truly think I can improve upon this fine city. Let’s face it,…
Author: Bjorn Knoxley
Space Ghost schedules first campaign speech, visiting Rotary Club of Knoxville in October 2002
As announced here at Knoxpatch.com in recent weeks, Space Ghost has entered Knoxville’s 2003 mayoral race. Since the initial announcement Space Ghost has been relatively quiet but has scheduled his first public campaign speech which will take place at an October meeting of Rotary Knoxville. Rumors have spread regarding the near hermit status maintained by…
Karn’s resident challenges Periodic Table
If proven correct, Kimberly Sterchi of Karns may set the scientific world in a tailspin. In a simple experiment that can easily be recreated using common household appliances, powdered gelatin, two AAA batteries, and a sizeable chunk of cat hair Kimberly claims to have proven that the Periodic Table of Elements has been printed incorrectly…
Loch-Ness Monster spotted on Volunteer Landing – name changes from ‘Nessie’ to ‘Knoxie’
Several appearances of a strange creature in the Tennessee River at Volunteer Landing have been reported in recent weeks, leading many locals to think that the Loch-Ness Monster has migrated to Knoxville. Although the trip from Scotland would be very difficult for a prehistoric creature, it isn’t completely impossible according to scholars with NIDS (National…
Bjorn quits reading K2K
After many months of tirelessly wading through post after post in Knoxville’s thinktank newsgroup K2K, Bjorn Knoxley has finally stopped reading it entirely. He posted for a brief period of time and discovered the group is about as open minded as a rationalist at a Baptist convention. Then he tried to remain interested and read…
Lottery in Tennessee: a Bjorn perspective
Brother Brehd has expressed his opinion on the Tennessee state lottery, so now it is time for Bjorn to opine. There are two types of people who gamble: stupid people, and lucky stupid people. Having pitched a few quarters into machines around Vegas and Chicago, I left with less money and less dignity. I felt…
Forest Heights bridge to be rebuilt
A TDOT spokesperson today announced that they have reconsidered traffic flow patterns and have decided to rebuild the Forest Heights bridge. The bridge was removed to allow for the widening of I-40, and due to the complaints of residents of the Forest Heights neighborhood, TDOT did not plan to rebuild it. Spokesperson Tommy Murdoch told…
Martha Stewart rumored to be buying Goody’s
Knoxville, TN: October 3, 2002 Martha Stewart resigns from the New York Stock Exchange, board officials said. October 4, 2002 A group of shareholders has filed a complaint against Goody’s over the proposed sale of the company. Martha Stewart’s resignation from the New York Stock Exchange left a gaping hole in the decorating diva’s daily…
New variety of Spaghettios to be unveiled
The Campbell Soup Company, a division of Franco-American, unveiled a new variety of its popular Spaghettios brand canned circular pasta in red sauce. The variety, named SpaghettiVols, will be available in finer grocery stores everywhere next month. In addition to the popular O-shaped bits of pasta, the SpaghettiVols will contain football shaped pastas, and a…
Moose numbers on rise in East Tennessee
Many moose are becoming more and more frustrated with long cold winters presented to them in the northern areas of the continent. They are attracted to the mild southern climates, in areas where there are still mountain ranges, snowfall, and joggers to maul, but also milder winters, daily sunset and sunrise, and summer days. East…
TDOT admits that it has been working without official plans since 1989
Knoxville streets have been littered by construction workers and orange barrels for several years. The more savvy drivers have recently put 2 and 2 together, forcing the Tennessee Department of Transportation to make an alarming announcement. It appears that a master plan created in 1988 outlining construction needs was lost early during the 1989 calendar…
Jimmy Hoffa’s remains found in Knoxville Museum of Art
Mark Friedlander earned a place in history while visiting the Knoxville Museum of Art (KMA) to take advantage of the new ‘Knox County Days’ offer (a new pricing strategy created to punish museum attendees that live outside of Knox County). It appears that Mr. Friedlander was the first visitor in quite some time to actually…
UFO sightings on the rise in West Knoxville
UFO sightings have been reported throughout West Knoxville in alarming numbers throughout 2002. The past month has brought an even more dramatic increase, with as many as 10 sightings being reported weekly (nearly twice the number of sightings typically reported in all of Knoxville). The exact cause for the increased traffic over the skies of…
Al Gore crashes on Ebenezer
Al Gore was driving his ’86 Ford Escort down Ebenezer Road late yesterday afternoon when he veered suddenly off the road and ran onto a golf course. He was on his way to the Gettysvue Country Club to attend a $10-a-plate Democrat fundraiser in his honor. “We suspect speed wasn’t an issue,” stated KCSD Officer…
Restroom signs disappear around Knoxville
The signs to all restrooms in Knoxville have mysteriously disappeared causing confusion and discomfort throughout the city. Finger pointing and leg-crossing run rampant. No direct evidence has been found linking any one person or group to this crime but 2003 mayoral candidate Space Ghost claims to know what happened. “It’s clear what’s happening here, public…