Author: Bjorn Knoxley

The Beer-Drinkers’ Invitational Good-Ol’-Boys Ammurkin (sic) Surf Sensation (BIGASS) has announced plans to hold its lakefront tournament for the summer of 2003 at the Melton Hill Dam area in Anderson County. President Artemis Q. “Harley” Wainwright IV was quoted as saying that, “The good people and their enthusiasm for similar events – such as WWF…

Knoxpatch.com has requested favorite holiday recipes from local businesses to show the warm and human side of corporate America, a side we don’t often see. Berry Funeral Home has provided a new and interesting variation on an old classic, ‘Seasonal Soylent Green.’ Soylent Green keeps for years in the freezer, is high in protein, and…

The “number of days since last accident” counter just got reset to zero at the Newberry Sodium and Potassium factory last night. Rescue workers responded to reports of an explosion in the Forks of the River industrial park, at about 1:30 this morning. The explosion was traced to a toilet in the men’s restroom by…

Apparently lost for more than 2000 years, a fourth Wise Man has been found wandering aimlessly in Lenoir City. Called ‘Budgie’ by locals, the Wise Man has been living in Lenoir City for the past 9 years – collecting cans and living off donations collected near a major intersection. A small stone pencil box with…

Scientists at Oak Ridge National Laboratories have confirmed what many have long believed. Not everyone loves Raymond. A series of double-blind studies, conducted over a period of three years, has uncovered certain genetic factors making it possible for certain males not to love Raymond. Factors leading to possibly not loving Raymond are as follows: 1….

A Knoxville man, who chooses to be identified only by the initials “BK,” just doesn’t get it. “No matter what anybody says to me, it doesn’t make sense,” he explained. “Especially jokes. Those go right over my head.” A laboratory study conducted by LeRoy & Associates has verified BK’s claim. “No matter what we presented…

4 Stars Street: Market SquareCity: KnoxvillePhone: Join The French Broads as they release their second album, Tubes, Wood, & Metal at the Preservation Pub on February 1st. You may also enter to win a signed copy of the album.

The most beautiful Poinsettias of the Holiday Season will be from Sertoma Center. The professionally grown 6 1/2” Poinsettias will be available from December 2nd – December 20th. Since 1961 Sertoma Center has supported men and women with developmental disabilities in East Tennessee. Proceeds from the annual Holiday Sale go to make certain that the…

A suburban SUV driverreels in fear when faced with an urban environment A recent study conducted by Shady Research Institute (SRI) has concluded that suburban flight is caused by fear. Harry Joule, The researcher responsible for the project, explained that the people who live in suburbia are scared of many things, including vast expanses of…

Late yesterday evening, Martha Bluewhistle arrived home to prepare dinner for her husband, Ed. After the beef had browned in the pan, she realized it was very quiet around the house. She called for her husband but got no answer. She then remembered he was out in the garage working on some new plumbing. Martha…

Politicians often find outside interests and revenue sources after terms in office. Most recently we’ve seen President Clinton debate a televised talk show and Tennessee Senator Fred Thompson on Law & Order. Putting an end to rampant speculation Mayor Victor Ashe has made public his plans to launch a line of designer underwear. Sporting simple…

Under mounting pressure to show progress against Saddam Hussein and Iraq, President Bush has taken a dramatic step. The United States is attempting a corporate takeover of Iraq, pending final approval of the FCC and United Nations. If the merger is successful, President Bush will temporarily assume the title of Corporate Manager of Iraq. Once…

After much debate, the location of restroom facilities for Market Square has been decided. The location of restrooms in the square was very important, but was somewhat controversial. Local businesses did not want to be inconvenienced by having potential customers visit their facilities to use their restrooms. Also, decision-influencers wanted to keep the ever-critical line-of-site…

(Persian, in the process of being shaved.) Puddles Pet Shop in Oak Ridge has been forced shut by PETA for cruelty to animals, stray cats in particular. Accusations include capturing stray cats, shaving them, and selling them for $150 each. Although this is a fairly low price for a Sphynx (slender, muscular, cats often referred…

Each year one line of toys stands out as the holiday hit. Early indicators point to Bjorn and Brehd dolls as the must-have items for Christmas 2003. Based on the lovable authors of Knopatch.com, the Bjorn and Brehd dolls are designed to entertain children for weeks. Each doll capitalizes on strengths and weaknesses of the…