Author: Bjorn Knoxley

The bicycle of Huey Norton, protectedfrom a terrorist attack by duct tape. In response to the threat of a terrorist attack, and driven by the media frenzy to buy duct tape and bottled water, Huey Norton went on a buying spree. In a single day, Norton went to every duct tape supplier in Knoxville and…

The Tennessee Highway Patrol recently reported that Stacy Taylor has successfully merged her 1983 Toyota Celica into moderate traffic. Although the weather was perfect and traffic flow was lighter than usual; this is clearly considered a major female evolutionary breakthrough. Young Stacy’s life will be greatly disrupted as scientists study her genetic material to find…

Jumbotron, still in its packing, waitsto be installed in a West Knoxville home A West Knoxville man, tired of his friends having a larger television screen than him for the big game or movies, had a Jumbotron installed in his home. The Jumbotron, measuring much larger than even his best friend’s 56″ widescreen high definition…

Enos Johnson and famed fighting chicken. Enos Johnson, known by locals as E.J., is currently under investigation for raising freakishly big chickens for the sole purpose of fighting. Although chicken fighting is illegal in Tennessee, Mr. Johnson has developed a large base of supporters who have realized the ramifications of very large chickens in the…

The new downtown loft concept being tested. Knoxpatch.com has learned that a new loft concept is being developed and tested for use in downtown Knoxville. According to conceptualist Ron Baxter, these new units can be placed around town, on top of existing buildings or even on sidewalks or in Krutch Park, with little or no…

As other medical facilities expand in size to provide more services, the University of Tennessee Medical Center is attempting to bring new cutting edge services while avoiding urban sprawl. In the Spring of 2003 Knoxville will become the first city in the United States to offer hydroponic baby facilities. Babies removed from the female host…

A leaflet envoy, organized by Knoxville area Jehovah’s Witnesses, has left for Iraq as of late yesterday afternoon. The group boarded a plane at McGhee Tyson Airport on their way to Turkey, where they will board a double decker bus and enter Iraq. The bus will take them first to Baghdad, where they will take…

I love to walk around in new houses. I also love to watch houses being built, and walk through the construction site at various stages. Since I no longer install alarms or high-end audio/video systems in people’s homes, most of the houses I get to walk through are ones that I could afford. Sometimes I…

Grumman International Metropolitan Planning (GIMP), a publicly traded company working toward the advancement of pristine urban environments around the world, has decided to debut its newest offering in Knoxville late next year. GIMP is known around the world for its innovative approaches to refining urban environments, aiding the environment, reducing costs, and adding a splash…

An employee of MacGruder, MacFly, & MacNally, Associates, is to receive a set of her own business cards next week. The cards are at the printer now and should be ready for her by Tuesday or Wednesday. Mary MacIntyre, who will be receiving the cards, said she expects them to increase her determination to do…

A man was injured in the Walker Springs Wal-Mart when he was hit by a shopping cart. The man, Mike Johnson, was reported to be reaching for a can of discount tuna when a cart operated by Myrtle Beeler hit him from behind and knocked him down. According to eye witness John Patterson, Beeler appeared…

Record cold temperatures in East Tennessee have been wreaking havoc all across the region. From frozen water pipes to thick ice on windshields to puppies refusing to pee, the effects have been devastating. According to Martha Stalwart, a local elderly woman living on Nubbin Ridge Road and her meager pension checks, the cold has claimed…

During the monthly dragging of Fort Loudon lake for bodies, the Knox County Rescue Squad has found the treasure of one of East Tennessee’s few pirates. The main tributaries of Fort Loudon lake are the Holston River, French Broad River, and Little Tennessee River. Until July 8, 1940 when construction began on the Fort Loudon…

I’ve tried several times to find a way to start this article, to no avail. A story lives within my short-term memory but it doesn’t have a place on our website. For lack of better options I am placing this ‘brief review of Oak Ridge and opinion piece’ here in the features section. Bjorn and…

Sven Petersen, the regional reigning UNO champion, recently staged the world’s largest UNO game at his Bearden home. Combining his son’s Simpsons and Harry Potter Editions plus six other packs of UNO cards, including his own prized Star Trek Edition, into one game was almost as difficult as getting 80 people together in his small…