Author: Bjorn Knoxley

Eddie Johnston’s wedding photo. Last weekend, Eddie Johnston was set to wed his fiancée of 14 years, Mary-Lee Rollins. An hour after the wedding was to commence, Eddie turned on his cell phone to check for messages. Mary-Lee had called and left a message that she changed her mind, and that she had left Knoxville…

KPD’s Blue Cat(artist’s rendition) A new program designed to cut costs and save lives, both human and feline, the Knoxville Police Department (KPD) has pioneered a pilot program in conjunction with the Knoxville Animal Rescue League called Blue Cat. The idea was conceived by Police Officer Sgt. Buddy Smith, a 13 year veteran to KPD…

The Haarket twins, joined by a pipe. Hans and Slami Haarket, born in Knoxville of Norwegian parents one sweltering August day in 1973, have been joined since birth by a metal tube connecting their hands. Doctors were mystified by the phenomenon and do not know how it happens. “Metal tubes do not usually occur naturally…

With cleaner streets and fewer crimes being reported by the local media, Knoxville is ready to launch a new nation-wide marketing campaign aimed at luring residents and businesses alike to the area. A local marketing firm, Shaggy-Peterson, has been contracted to develop the plan. Wayne Shaggy, CEO of Shaggy-Peterson, is heading up the campaign. “What…

Jo-Jo bites her neighbors. A north-Knoxville poodle, known simply as “Jo-Jo,” went on a biting rampage last week. Details are sketchy, but witnesses say at least five people had minor toothmark imprints on fingers, ankles, and elbows after the incident at a neighborhood birthday party. “It was scary,” explained one eyewitness at the scene. “People…

Construction is under way on Market Square, transforming the space from a 70’s-era eyesore to a modern, hip urban town center. As part of this process, the sidewalks are being torn up to be replaced with what turns out to be airport-style moving sidewalks. The sidewalks will be designed to get the large number of…

Five more volunteers who went to Iraq to serve as “human shields,” including two Americans, left the country when the government told where their assigned locations would be. The five had hoped for locations that were unlikely to be attacked such as food warehouses and water treatment plants. Although they feared death, their convictions were…

A focus group, comprised mostly of activists from Nine Counties One Vision, met last week to discuss issues related to Knoxville, the surrounding area, and what could be done to make it better. The leading theory coming from the group is that Knoxville simply needs more restaurants. Holly Heathrow, the group’s spokeswoman, said that they…

An episode of the popular Learning Channel show “Trading Spaces” is scheduled to be filmed in Knoxville sometime in February, sources say. The show features two groups of people, usually neighbors, who swap keys to transform a room in each other’s home. They have two days, a set budget of $1000, and they are not…

Vern Taylor has lived on his East Knoxville farm for 60 years, raising cattle and growing Silver Queen corn. He is a great friend and good neighbor, according to neighbors and friends, but he just has bad luck. Taylor has been struck 112 times by meteors while working his fields. “It ain’t never the cattle…

Claiming partial ownership of ‘orange’, the University of Tennessee has began lobbying for an adjustment to the color-coded terror-alert system. The current system is outlined as follows: Green — Normal. This is the lowest level of threat. Blue — Guarded. This signifies a continuing general threat of terrorist activity. Yellow — Serious. Yellow indicates an…

The time-traveling hippy stops in Knoxville. A time traveling hippy, known only as Hemp, made a stop in Knoxville over the weekend. Little is known about Hemp. Rumors abound, but a common thread is that sometime in late 1967, in a state of “enlightenment,” Hemp had a revelation and built his time machine from various…

Comet Man breaks away from the circus to join Knoxville. Better known as Comet Man by his friends, Human Cannonballer Matthew Johnson recently ran away from Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey circus as it passed through Knoxville. Mr. Johnson said that he has dreamed of running away from the circus and opening a tattoo…

Fourteen city employees, all working on the third floor of the City-County building in downtown Knoxville, have been stricken with an odd affliction that some are claiming to be stigmata. It appears that several employees recently developed daily migraines. Soon after the headaches began, bleeding around the temple was clearly noticeable. Although this was an…

Gearheads in the Knoxville area are turning their attention away from NASCAR, the Indy 500, and even drag racing, and devoting their talents and ambitions to the motorsport taking the area by storm: lawnmower racing. Racing lawnmowers has been a recognized sport for some time, but until recently, it had not caught on in the…