Author: Bjorn Knoxley

The Knoxville News-Sentinel, in an effort to beat the Metro Pulse to the presses, has accidentally released the post Mayoral headlines more than 24-hours early. Those gathered at local Pilot and Weigel’s locations for the first edition of the September 29th headlines were greeted with the words, “Dewey Wins!” News-Sentinel reporters admit that the headline…

Knoxville mayoral candidate and businessman Bill Haslam had a dream last week that he was a hippy, according to sources. “He woke up in a cold sweat after falling out of the tree on Market Square he was trying to protect,” said the anonymous source. Additionally, he was reported to have preserved a house, created…

According to victims, there is still a lot of crime in downtown Knoxville. “Especially after the sun goes down,” adds recent mugging victim Bo Gentry. Downtown activist Holly R. Thanthou disagrees. “There is much less crime downtown than at West Town Mall, the scourge of suburbia,” she exclaimed. Police reports show that the number of…

In a noble gesture to take one for the team, Kingston Woods resident Junior Barnes has offered to have his property annexed if it will cause the Mayor to “..leave us the f*** alone.” According to Barnes, his property is worth a lot more than those Mayor Ashe is trying to annex. “I’m sick of…

With pressure from nagging downtown activists, the Knoxville Regional Transportation Planning Organization passed a resolution asking state officials to consider rerouting I-40 through Kentucky. “At first we thought shifting traffic out of the downtown area and onto I-640 would be sufficient. But then we realized that was still too close. We feel shifting all traffic…

Candidate Red Brown In a surprise announcement yesterday, Knox County native Red Brown has decided to enter the race for mayor of Knoxville. Although his entry comes a bit late and he has a lot of catching up to do with his campaign, he feels that he has a chance. “I’m determined to leg’lize coon…

Knoxpatch.com is pleased to announce that Norris Dryer, candidate for City Council, has agreed to an interview. KP – Although you are nearly a local icon, some of our readers may not yet know who Norris Dryer is. In thirty words or less, who is Norris Dryer the person? Norris Norris Dryer is a biped…

Oddly, I was recently invited to go door-to-door with Mr. Haslam as he continues his bid to become Mayor. When it comes right down to it, I wasn’t invited as Brehd Patchley my alter ego, the mild-mannered shoe-shine boy received the actual invitation. My short experience along the campaign trail took place on Washington Pike….

Local artist’s vision of Mayor Victor Ashe. The recent demise of the Lyons View Gardens Project leaves almost $500,000 in city funds available for other uses. Although many projects are being considered, one project which is gaining popularity is to spend the funds to erect a statute of outgoing Major Victor Ashe in Worlds Fair…

Rumors circulated on Tuesday that term-limited Mayor Victor Ashe was pursuing having his name legally changed from ‘Victor’ to ‘Mayor.’ Following in the footsteps of such heroes as DotComGuy and GoVeg.com, leaders of the Misguided Moronic Name Change Movement, Mayor Ashe plans to hang on to his title and be “Mayor for life,” according to…

The City of Knoxville believes it has learned a lesson from the overwhelming success of Smokies Baseball. The small team couldn’t seem to find a niche within the confines of Knoxville but has been consistently breaking records since leaving the confines of the city. Using the Smokies as a template, many of the standard services…

To the surprise of motorists behind her, Mrs. Ola-Mae Fanning stopped at a red light when it turned red, reported witnesses at the scene. Mrs. Fanning brought her 1987 Buick Century Limited Sedan to a complete stop just before the yellow light faded to red at the intersection of Cedar Bluff and Executive Park Drive…

Dr. Shumaker, embattled University of Tennessee President, has issued an apology for all past actions and declares that he doesn’t actually remember anything that has happened since moving to Tennessee. Lawyers for Dr. Shumaker claim that he has been suffering from a rare disorder by the name of stupidous assism which causes certain individuals to…

Joe Binkley was researching University of Tennessee policies as part of his doctoral thesis when he came across a little known school policy. Passed in 1911, the rediscovered policy allows for University presidents to be recalled if the signatures of at least 32 students can be collected and submitted to the school’s Board of Special…

President Shumaker has been in the press repeatedly over the past months for various alleged indiscretions…all of which center around exorbitant spending habits. These allegations are casting a poor light on the University as a whole and it was decided by the Board of Trustees that some changes must be made. UT will soon install…