Author: Bjorn Knoxley

The University of Tennessee has struggled financially for several years. As state funding remains constant, and costs increase, maintaining solvency has been a daily struggle. Efficiency experts, hired by Dr. John Shumaker on his last day of employment at the University, have delivered a report that shows what they guarantee to be a path to…

The Smoky Mountain Mensa Chapter has suffered declining membership over the past seven years as more and more residents leave the region for other high-tech industries. In order to combat the declining membership, they have revised the membership requirements to better reflect the ‘above-average’ person of the area. The new requirements indicate that at least…

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Howard Dean, after coming under fire for wanting the votes of those with Confederate flags on their pickup trucks, has altered the focus of his campaign. “I just meant we needed the votes of everyone. People with Confederate flags on their pickup trucks are just another part of the population that we need on our…

Valdez, before his snakeextraction procedrue. While on a House Mountain nature walk with his family Saturday afternoon, Juan Valdez stopped to rest. Just as he initialized a yawn of great magnitude, a snake dropped from a tree limb and right into the path of Juan’s yawn. As the snake entered his mouth, he simultaneously coughed…

Gordon, the AFLAC duck,before being roasted. Due to a glitch, the AFLAC duck was shipped to the Golden Wok restaurant on Ray Mears Boulevard in Knoxville. The duck, known internally as Gordon, was supposed to be shipped to Starlite Bowling Lanes where he was expected to appear in a new AFLAC commercial. Instead, he was…

The ghost of Herb Evers floats around Old Gray Cemetery. Late last night, a ghost was photographed roaming around Knoxville’s Old Gray Cemetery. East Tennessee Paranormal Society member Eric Huckabee shot the photograph using a Sony Mavica digital camera. ETPS historian Joel Bingham told Knoxpatch.com that the ghost is believed to be that of deceased…

In order to make inroads with members of PETA, the Knoxville Zoo has announced a new “Wild Vegetable” exhibit that will open in Summer 2003. Zoos across the United States have often come under fire due to the fact that some activists feel that wild animals are not given proper living conditions. Recent accusations in…

While looking for things to complain about, Goss Peterson local misguided activist, claims to have come across potentially radioactive shredded paper discarded in an open lot near the First Tennessee Bank building in Downtown Knoxville. “I didn’t know what I was looking for, but I was certain I could find something in this portion of…

A recent power blackout in the Northeast has caused Mayor Ashe to miss several meetings. Although Knoxville wasn’t directly impacted by the blackout, nobody was around to inform Mayor Ashe. Sources say that he was sitting in his office listening to headphones when word of the outage was announced. Afraid of leaving the office under…

This is just one of the signs nowrequired to be posted in the workplace. A freak accident at TVA has brought about a new wave of OSHA regulations. According to Brandy Raines, a relatively new office employee (name withheld for legal reasons) simply wasn’t working out. “She wasn’t performing in the way that we thought…

Governer Bredesen has appointed Dr. John Shumaker as the new head of Tenncare, just days after announcing that Shumaker has resigned as President of the University of Tennessee. “A simple review of the mission and vision of Tenncare identified Shumaker as a natural fit.” claimed Bredesen. Tenncare promotional materials point out that the organization’s behavior…

A part of Walmart’s continuing effort to regulate the morality of the American public, the retail giant announced today that it will be opening Southern Baptist Churches in each of it’s 2500 superstore locations. The flagship church location will at the Super Walmart on Walker Springs here in Knoxville. When the church at opens July…

The South’s Finest Chocolate Factory has halted production of their newest confection, an edible bust of Madeline Rogero. After bringing the new treat into public eye with a great deal of hoopla, it turns out that residents simply haven’t enjoyed the as much as expected. One customer was overheard to say that “…although this is…

Knoxville mayoral candidate and businessman Bill Haslam had a dream last week that he was a hippy, according to sources. “He woke up in a cold sweat after falling out of the tree on Market Square he was trying to protect,” said the anonymous source. Additionally, he was reported to have preserved a house, created…