Anonymous sources have confirmed that, if chosen as the Republican nominee for President, Mitt Romney will name Hillary Clinton as his VP running mate. “The implications of this move are astounding,” explained Republican strategist Burt Elefante. In order to secure Ms. Clinton on the ticket, Romney had to promise there was at least an 80%…
Author: Bjorn Knoxley
Stacey Campfield still welcome in some Knoxville restaurants
Based on the news yesterday that Stacey Campfield was denied service at a restaurant most Knoxvillians thought closed for good in 1986, astute Knoxpatch.com staff began calling other local eateries to check their policies on refusing service to customers of various levels of notoriety. Bill Lockmith, manager of Ruth’s Chris Steak House, told us they…
Witnesses spot Sarah Palin blowing smoke on Market Square
This is a special news alert!  Several witnesses contacted our tip hotline today to report seeing Sarah Palin on Market Square earlier this morning. She wandered through Krutch Park and admired the other sculptures. She was overheard blowing smoke about this evening’s scheduled stop at the Tennessee Valley Fair.
The Gold Man planning his own “Swagfest”
Hoping to cash in on the meme scheme, Knoxville’s Gold Man, who likes to remain anonymous, is planning his own “Goldfest,” to also be held at the Sunsphere and Convention Center. The date has yet to be determined. The Gold Man, made (locally) famous by his Brimily’s Gold Exchange commercials, feels he should be at…
UT Athletic Department News
The assistant secretary to the associate soccer coach tripped over a power cord on her way to the water cooler yesterday afternoon, just as a volcano erupted in Yellowstone and blew the country in half. Witnesses report she stumbled slightly but was able to correct herself, and proceeded to refill her cup with fresh, cool…
“Rent Is Too Damn High” guy wins Knoxville mayoral debate
After relocating to Knoxville from New York, reportedly due to the rent being too damn high, former New York gubernatorial candidate Jimmy McMillan decided late Thursday to run for mayor of Knoxville. “I heard about the debate, and decided I’d throw in my voice,” he explained. “There are lots of things in Knoxville that are…
Knoxville man shows up in DC to find, paint debt ceiling
Knoxville home interior painter Buddy McFee arrived in Washington, DC on Friday, fully intending to find and paint the debt ceiling. He traveled by Megabus carrying only a few paint rollers and a couple cans of white paint. “I kep’ hearin’ about this debt ceiling thang,” he explained. “So since nobody can make up their…
Knoxville News Sentinel to replace comics with links
Due to the overwhelming volume of Letters to the Editor that results from any change to the comics section, and to be much more inclusive, the comics section of the Knoxville News Sentinel will soon feature only strip titles with links to the strips’ official websites. An anonymous source from the paper explained that the…
Heads explode as Publix, Costco announced
Many Knoxville non-natives are going out of their way to let their satisfaction and happiness be heard after grocery store Publix and discount warehouse Costco announced plans to build stores in Knoxville. Excitement is so intense that the heads literally exploded for five out of eight non-native Knoxville residents we interviewed. The sooner both stores…
Ijams Au Naturale Center opens (lazy Monday posting, originally from April 20, 2003)
Ijams Au Naturale Center opens. After years of struggling financially, Ijams Nature Center has decided that it could never reach financial stability and has taken dramatic steps to protect its assets for future generations. The new plan outlined by Ijams directors has been hyped as a way to turn a profit, bring tourist dollars to…
Market Square Farmer’s Market to start selling German sprouts
Calling them “the Fugu of the vegetable world,” Market Square Farmer’s Market vendor Steve Egwhyte plans to start selling imported German sprouts this weekend. “Vegetarians like to live dangerously too,” Egwhyte explained, “sushi eaters shouldn’t be the only ones facing a culinary challenge like this.” He puts the odds of death from eating the sprouts…
Madonna to convert to Southern Baptist
After her recent trip to Israel, Madonna has decided that Kabbalah and Judaism are just not for her. “I’ve tried being a Catholic, a Jew, a Hindu, Taoist, Maoist, and Buddhist. Nothing makes me feel complete, even with all this money,” she explained. “Now that I am dating Jesus, it only makes sense for me…
Conservatives seek alternative to Obama school speech
In the midst of the uproar over Obama’s alleged “indoctrination” speech next week aimed at school children, conservative parents have been mulling over ideas for an alternative activity for their children to participate in. Ideas being tossed around include showing Sarah Palin’s speech from the Republican National Convention and having the children read and discuss…
Executive order will alter Pledge of Allegiance
Keeping with his school children theme, Obama is expected to sign an executive order changing some of the lines in the Pledge or Allegiance. This is designed to coincide with his video message to students and will be among the items handed out. Various celebrities will be recorded reciting the new pledge in an effort…
Spirit of Ted Kennedy to make speech
The spirit of late Senator Ted Kennedy is set to make a speech in front of a joint legislative meeting when congress returns from recess. The speech is rumored to include how it was his dying wish to see healthcare reform passed by the end of the year. No one is certain what happens next…