Author: Bjorn Knoxley

Stinging from the loss of the first Presidential debate of the election, George W. Bush has changed strategies after receiving a bit of important information. Statistics show that Halloween mask sales have accurately determined every election since Ronald Reagan defeated Jimmy Carter in 1980. Therefore, logic dictates, that a win in November is guaranteed if…

West Knoxvillian, Amy Styles, has been charged for defacing her own property and malicious mischief for stealing Kerry campaign signs…from her own front yard. Upon receiving her fifth complaint about Republicans stealing her signs the Knoxville Police Department performed an overnight stakeout to teach someone a lesson. What they saw was that Ms. Styles conscience…

xxx

“With the tax cuts I’ve given to Americans, they don’t need to beg for candy.” states President Bush. “Each family now saves at least enough in a year to buy a bag of almost any candy they want. And how does it make us look to other countries, to dress up like Bill Clinton and…

After nearly monopolizing the modular housing market, Clayton Homes has entered into the corrugated cardboard manufacturing business. Business analysts see this as a natural progression to current offerings and have applauded the move by upgrading the stock. With proper financial planning, Clayton representatives claim that anyone currently sleeping under old newspapers should be able to…

Due to the extreme popularity of the recent September 11th exhibit, the East Tennessee Historical Society has announced plans to create the nation’s first September 10th exhibit. Exhibit organizers promise to showcase thousands of items that do not include the phrase ‘Pre 9-11.’ Although a commitment has not yet been received, the intention is to…

Knoxville faced the tragic closure of the Gay Street Bridge in February of 2001. Since that time, an approximate $16 million dollars has been spent to renovate the 107-year-old structure. Expecting a surge of public sentiment and excitement, the City of Knoxville reopened the bridge at 11:59 PM on Easter with a private showing of…

Knoxville has been chosen to host the 2005 First Annual National GED Prom, a new event designed to assist those receiving a GED to experience all the special moments that typically are associated with high school. Event organizers are unsure as to how many will attend the Prom, but promise enough activity to provide a…

test

A freak combination of natural and man-made occurrences has led to what may become the largest tourist attraction in the state of Tennessee, what is quickly becoming known as the “Southern Lights” over Knoxville. It appears that a mixture of cigarette smoke and beer fumes coming from the “Jacks or Better” trailer park on Clinton…

Theme Park company Six Flags, Inc. announced plans late last week to convert the controversial Elkmont area of the Greak Smoky Mountains into a new Six Flags theme park. Titled Six Flags Over Elkmont, the park will provide beautiful vistas of the area from the high points of several large roller coasters and free fall…

GWAR member Hymenstraready to entertain. Keeping with the “Sundown In the City” mantra of providing entertainment for the entire family, organizers just announced that later in the summer, GWAR will headline the event. The date has yet to be announced, but is expected to coincide with Independence Day celebrations. GWAR, a metal band, puts on…

Artist’s rendition of a dust bunny. After a year with almost no business, a large collection of dust bunnies has been discovered at the Knoxville Convention Center. One resourceful employee, Kelley Smith, saw opportunity where others only saw the need for a dustbsuter. “Rather than clean this stuff up, why not make this a destination…

Drastic cutbacks to the city budget have forced the KPD to utilize the downtown trolley system. This move will not only present monthly savings but will provide a much-needed short-term cash infusion by allowing for an auction of many pre-owned police vehicles. Although the new system will present a series of challenges, the new City…

Lenoir City Resident Forrest Lyttle is upset that he has never met Dolly Parton. The cross-country trucker claims that he talks to people everywhere he goes, and, no matter where he is, no matter how remote the location, someone has encountered the famous country music diva. “Hit’s like she don’t want to meet me,” says…