Author: Bjorn Knoxley

Recently, Knoxpatch.com reported on a group of people who have been brainstorming new and unique downtown attractions. We recently discovered that the group has secretly commissioned a giant shoe to be placed in the center of Market Square. The shoe stands 16 feet tall and is 20 feet long. The shoe is due for completion…

In a move seen as a victory for historic preservationists, the Smith-Coughlin House was back in one piece early the next morning after it was destroyed. The house, apparently exhibiting a strange survival instinct, rebuilt itself overnight in finer form than when it was torn down. It apparently upgraded itself to include a full Nortel…

In the last few years, there has been a push to develop attraction destinations in downtown Knoxville in an attempt to draw visitors, residents and non-residents alike. So far, all ideas have been stolen from other communities, to include convention centers, movie theaters, bus transit stations, aquariums, planetariums, a rodeo complex, and legalized prostitution. Sick…

A new bed and breakfast will soon open in Knoxville, offering an alternative to the big box hotel chains that have been a blight upon the community. This not-Econo-Lodge is located in an old Victorian Greek Revival Post Modern Arts and Crafts style home in the heart of an old neighborhood teeming with character. The…

An anonymous source within the school board has confirmed that the location for the new West Knoxville high school has been selected. Instead of condemning around 40 acres of prime private real estate off Dutchtown Road, the school will now be located downtown in the old Whittle Communications building. “That building just looks like a…

Although it was believed that Dick Clark would take a break from his usual New Year’s festivities, a spokesperson for Mr. Clark announced today that he will be hosting Knoxville’s Rocking Eve. “Although Dick is taking it easy and trying to recuperate from his recent stroke, hosting the New Year’s festivities in Knoxville, Tennessee is…

Disney, in an unusual show of corporate responsibility, has pledged 12,000 Donald Duck floats to the residents of Sri Lanka so that they may be better prepared in the event of another Tsunami. Jeff Christmas, Chief Operating Officer of Disney, says that the substantial cost of the floats will be covered by the Marketing Department…

Without warning, it appears that all inner-city school students in Knoxville collectively adopted the Metric System and abandoned all other forms of measurement. Used in nearly every country in the world the Metric System was devised by French scientists in the late 18th century to replace the chaotic collection of units then in use. The…

It recently came to my attention that I have a tendency to drive out of my way to get a gigantic frozen Mountain Dew (aka Mountain Dew slushie). Over several discussions lately with Daisy-Mae, we realized we only knew of a couple places that actually sell the things. So, with your help and as a…

Appalachian Spa prototype Appalachian corn farmer and venture capitalist, John Clark, is opening a chain of Appalachian Spas throughout Knoxville and the surrounding counties. The closure of several Asian spa locations, due to recent legal indiscretions, left a market niche temporarily unfilled. Local folks, as well as visitors funneling through the Knoxville airport, have been…

Although his last film, ‘Alexander,’ was met with distaste by critics and moviegoers alike, Oliver Stone has announced plans to move forward with yet another epic film. According to Stone, his next film will not be plagued with the historical inaccuracies that were evident in ‘Alexander.’ “We are going to use nothing but factual information…

The Oak Ridge chapter of AICE (American Institute of Chemical Engineers) has announced the development of a permanent underarm deodorant for both men and women. Although initial reaction was upbeat, bringing hope of revitalization to the beleaguered Oak Ridge area, Procter & Gamble has issued an analysis of the new product pointing out that its…

CBS News has announced that it cannot prove the authenticity of Dan Rather and that allowing him to spend years at the newsdesk was a “mistake” that CBS regretted. CBS News claimed a source had misled the network on Rather’s origins, stating that they had been told he was a reputable newscaster. In a statement,…

At 12:02 p.m. more than 45,000 rubber ducks were released into the Tennessee River, marking the return of one of Knoxville’s most successful nonprofit fundraisers. At 12:04 p.m. it was reported that a North Knoxville cell of Al Qaeda had replaced one of the regular rubber ducks with a ‘dirty duck’ containing enough uranium to…

Victor Ashe will continue his political career in a small Colorado town by the name of Florissant. Carl Sexton, unhappy with all the candidates available, decided to cause a stir with a write-in vote. Carl, during early voting, voted for his donkey and was so pleased with himself that he created campaign posters promoting Victor…