Author: Bjorn Knoxley

An undated file photo showing the early redneck man on the cliffs at Point 19. Scientists have identified a man found living at Norris Lake as a possible missing link between cromagnon man and present-day redneck. The man was discovered cooking a rudimentary gar stew on the cliffs at Point 19 by Powell High student…

Put antacids for the Southern palate on your next shopping list. We don’t just overeat during the holiday season, people tend to overindulge frequently. In a land of excess, antacids are almost a daily staple. The problem, most people don’t like the chalky or clearly imitation berry taste of most antacids. Longs Drug Store has…

Due to cost constraints, the Inaugural Knoxville Marathon has announced that the marathon course will be changed to 26 trips around a 1.008 mile loop around the Sunsphere. This will bring an estimated $42,000 in savings from the reduced need for police support and aid stations. For safety reasons, it is asked that runners not…

Cracker Barrel, the famously old country store based in Lebanon, Tennessee, announced they will be shifting their focus away from the tried and true standard to develop a more modern, hip, urban alternative. Cracker Barrels are known to maintain hour-long waits even when there are two restaurants placed at the same exit off the interstate,…

don’t know why, but I keep having that thought.

Chuck Morris, President of Board of the Bijou Theatre, has announced plans to bring the theatre to solvency. Aided by the cash influx recently provided by Sam Furrow, the Bijou is being redeveloped as a home for wayward mothers.

The Central Business Improvement District has unveiled new vending machines that will be placed throughout Downtown Knoxville to help with feeding the homeless. These machines, each sponsored by a local restaurant, will allow pedestrians to insert small change and receive various bits of leftovers from the previous day. These leftovers can then be given to…

With no fanfare, and only one simple press release, a new slogan for the City of Knoxville was announced today and is expected to appear on billboards in the near future as part of a $2,200 marketing blitz. The new tagline, created during a four-month series of focus groups is simply “Don’t Go To Chattanooga.”

Much to the surprise of the usual crowd at MacLeod’s Pub, a calm night of enjoying a beer with friends recently turned into much more. Comus, Roman god of mirth and revelry, paid a visit to this local downtown icon. One astonished MacLeod’s regular said that Comus has changed his life forever. “Rather than just…

The Inaugural Knoxville Marathon, presented by Covenant Health, is scheduled for March 20th, 2005. We at Knoxpatch are very excited to see an event of this size coming to our humble city and wanted to update you about what has happened with the event in the past two months. Covenant Health has become the presenting…

Johnny Trepple is a Knoxville native and one serious eBayer. Recently, Trepple sold a set of Flash Gordon Underoos for a record $6. That is $4 more than the last pair, which sold last year for $2. “You hang on to these items because some day they’ll be worth something. Maybe not tomorrow. Maybe not…

Knoxville car dealership Grayson Subaru sold their first new car to a non-hippy last week. Earl Scroggins is believed to be the first non-hippy ever to buy a Subaru Outback. “I had to ask the service department if putting a ‘W Still the President’ bumper sticker on the car would void the warranty, but they…

To make politics seem a bit more trendy and up to date, the Knox County Government has decided to follow the lead of “The Simpsons” and announce the name of a gay character in the coming weeks. The Knox County PR offices are thrilled with the results. “It seems that everyone has an opinion of…

As a proposed state constitutional ban on gay marriages picks up speed, a battle with further reaching implications is being fought in Sevierville. Mayor Bryan Atchley is leading the charge to ban redneck marriages. Although it’s clear to many folks that rednecks simply shouldn’t be allowed to wed, the negative impact for the economy of…

Sales of sex toys for the holidays are down this year, a trend being reported nationwide. Local Swedish erotica store owner Marshal Matthews said sales in his store, although brisk, are off by about 15% from last Christmas. “I don’t know if people are more satisfied this year, or if that damn moral fiber from…