Author: Bjorn Knoxley

In a move seen as a win for downtown, the American Belchers Association has selected Market Square as the location of its 2006 Festival of the Belches. The festival should attract several hundred participants competing for the titles of Best Overall Belcher, Loudest Belch, Best Echo, Longest Belch, and Ripest Belch. The festival will be…

Knoxville’s down-on-its-luck Bijou Theater recently began nightly screenings of 1980’s brilliant cinematic masterpiece The Blue Lagoon. With such memorable lines as “What are you looking at?” and “Your muscles,” this love story for all ages starring Brooke Shields and some guy has been drawing crowds of Knoxvillians to the Bijou for the past month. Bijou’s…

After witnessing the success of the News Sentinel’s Women Today Expo, The Katch has announced the upcoming Men Today Expo. Although men rejoiced, the overall public has not received this event with open arms. According to a few random females that have been surveyed for this story, an event for only men is ‘just plain…

The Knoxville Chapter of the Fraternal Order of Eagles (FOE) was recently surprised by the receipt of membership applications from an entire cast of Chicken Hawks. Although the Chicken Hawks are clearly not eagles, they claim DNA evidence will show that they are a direct descendant of the esteemed Golden Eagle. The FOE, best known…

Herbie, apparently ashamed of his NASCAR conversion, has vanished. Sometime late last week, Herbie the Lovebug, the famous Volkswagen Beetle with a mind of its own, unexpectedly went missing from its California garage. Sources close to the car say that it felt shame for its most recent movie, starring Lindsay Lohan, and that any association…

President Bush, on Monday, supposedly signed an energy bill recently passed by Congress after a four-year battle. However, Knoxpatch has learned that Bush secretly replaced the document at the last minute and signed his own energy bill into law. Sources say that little of the original $14.5 billion legislation of the original document is included…

In order to save limited resources, the embattled Knoxville College has announced plans to move into the old Harold’s Deli location in Downtown Knoxville. College representatives stated that the new location would provide more than enough space for the number of students that the college has, plus give them access to a cash register and…

Even though shoppers and pharmacists alike have yet to get used to the inconvenience of having to obtain cold remedies from behind the counter, recent legislation will require other, potentially dangerous products to be stored and distributed from the pharmacy department as well. There has been a recent trend where people, whose family tree tends…

Mark Sentell recently had an epiphany. “I was sitting on the toilet, you know, after eating several bowls of my wife’s chili, and suddenly I realized that the universe is freaking huge, man,” he exclaimed, “it’s totally funny how you do your best thinking on the toilet. Or the lawnmower.” Experts agree that the universe…

The City of Knoxville has adopted the recommendation of a small local marketing and public relations firm to re-brand the image of homeless individuals. Effective immediately, the homeless are to be referred to as ‘free-range citizens.’ “This new name will put a positive spin on the entire plight,” stated one representative, “everyone knows that free-range…

A recent study has shown that butterscotch is not Knoxville’s favorite candy. It ranked 17th, just under Maple Nut Goodies and Boston Baked Beans, which were tied for 16th.

The East Turtle Baptist Church holds pancake breakfasts each month to raise money for its building fund, mission trips, or other expenditures. Recently, conspiracy theorist Emo Higdon was breakfasting in their dining hall when he became suspicious. “I snuck back there and peeked through the door, and you know what I saw? They were back…

Twine viewed at 250,000Xmagnification. The Knoxville Museum of Art has announced that they will have the world’s second smallest piece of twine on display through the remainder of 2005. The twine, housed in a square glass case that is .025 centimeters in diameter, is currently located in the women’s downstairs restroom until a more suitable…

Lance Armstrong’s recent record-breaking seventh Tours de France win is having an unexpected impact amongst cyclist and other endurance athletes. Many sports enthusiasts and pundits have pointed out that Armstrong’s phenomenal success has been impacted by his experience with cancer. This simple statement, implying that his ability to focus his energies and strive towards his…