After being cleared of illegal activity, Mayor Ragsdale is ready to move forward and cure the woes of Knox County. In order to update his image, a public relations firm has been hired to create a new slogan and logo to represent his efforts. Word is that he will drop his title and name, and adopt only a shape, stating that he “…wants to be like Prince, when he was just a fallic symbol and before he went back to being Prince again.” The logo-shape concepts currently look similar to an overstretched slinky.

Not everyone was thrilled to see Fulmer’s and Pearl’s raises lift them to a combined $4 million. UT President John Peterson was quickly able to put things into context, hoping to quiet the negativity about the University’s decision. According to Peterson, the high pay scales are necessary in order to make make sure the University doesn’t waste money on useless programs like education, speech pathology and dance. “When money just sits around, educators foolishly want to spend it on egghead types of things, and we don’t need any more of that around here. This place is stuffy enough already.”

After much speculation as to how to address the Downtown Knoxville homeless problems, a catch-and-release plan has been introduced that will allow other areas of the region to share the problem. According to a release from the Office of the Mayor, non-caucasian homeless individuals will be tagged and redistributed to South Knoxville where they will be better suited to serve society. If the program succeeds, long-term plans also included relocating all lawyers and advertising agencies to West Knoxville.

Daniel Lasris attempted to break the Guiness Word Record for body painting today, and set a completely different record. 

The goal was to bring in 950 people to be painted to make an American Flag. Participation, however, provided less than 50 bodies, not even enough to represent the stars in the flag. Missing his goals by approximately 95% has allowed Lasris into the record books for the most miserable attempt at getting into the record books.

Those who attended Bonnaroo surely noticed that famed artist Pat Boone was not on stage this year. Boone, who had intended to play hits from his religious albums as well as some metal, mixed in with some motivational speaking, was apparently bumped at the last minute to make room for Kanye West. 

Blasting the organizers of Bonnaroo, Boone said that the “…gosh darned people didn’t get everything exactly right, even though they tried really hard, and the rest of the event was really swell.”

In this case we’re not even making up the news…just linking to it.

And so I quote, “Why else would otherwise competent administrators and educators want to destroy the states most productive diary farm and most prominent symbol of Tennessee Agricultural education during the worst farming crisis since the dust bowl?”

I guess, with the loss off all these diaries, folks will have to write on napkins and other scraps.

Concerned citizens have started a petition to encourage others to start a petition to make changes in Knox County government. With a theme of “Ragsdale simply sucks,” 100 volunteers worked Market Square this weekend to gain signatures encouraging a petition that would be utilized to scold Mayor Ragsdale and other members of the Knox County Government fiasco. Encouraged by the response, organizers feel that within the next few weeks they will have enough signatures to move forward with starting another petition, and that in the near future they will be able to give Ragsdale a good talking to.

Johnny Balls has a backyard that is suffering greatly from the severe drought affecting East Tennessee. He has been hit so hard by a lack of rain that his grass is turning brown. “My grass was doing so well earlier this year, all my neighbors was complimenting me,” explained Balls, “and now look at it! There is dirt patches everywhere, and it’s all brown!” His front yard is shaded, so has not been affected by the drought like his backyard. Balls sent an email to President Bush about his plight, and Bush responded by declaring his backyard a disaster area until some rain falls. “What does it mean? I don’t really know,” said Balls, “but I’m sure glad the Federal Government is willing to step up when needed! Hey, I gotta go though, I think I hear helicopters landing!”

Volunteer Ministry Center officials announced today an exciting new $6 million resort utilizing the 5th Avenue Motel. According to the VMC, they hope to make this a suitable place for homeless Knoxville residents to vacation and relax after long days of chasing the working class down the sidewalks. “We’re trying to guarantee a wonderful stay for our visitors,” said a VMC representative. “The employees will always have a dollar they can spare, and will not question the stories of running out of gas even if they’re approached every day with the same story.”

The Segway Shout, an annual rally of the two-wheeled contraptions, gets underway today in Knoxville. The event, being held for its second consecutive year, is expected to draw between 8-10 Segway enthusiasts to our city. A spokesperson for Segway Shout says that Knoxville is a perfect city for the rally because it’s very much up to code with handicap ramps so that they don’t have to deal with steps frequently.